Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

I haven't posted in awhile. The last time I did I was frustrated, confused, suspicious. This forum was full of support and suggestions from compassionate women going through the same misery that I was going through. It kept me from feeling as though I was going crazy.
After my last post my fiancee experienced some sort of emotional/spiritual breakdown and left me suddenly, closing our bank account, discontinuing my phone service and spewing alot of rage. He left me with nothing, but I've worked with less. As he continued to fall apart I stayed with him and listened, comforted and encouraged him. I also held my ground as far as what I considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I didn't lose my self.
Anyway, he is now seeing a therapist and speaks openly with her about his porn addiction and rage issues. Not a day goes by that he doesn't apologize for his actions. Every day he endeavors to be a more gracious and reverent man.
I am very optimistic about our future together. Until next time....

Sounds scary to me, Joan, but if you're happy, we're happy ;)

Thanks, Starrbright. Re-reading my post just now makes me laugh. I guess I was having a really good, dorky day.
He continues to see a therapist every week and they are mainly dealing with his anger (rage) issues right now, because, you see, he's got the porn/masturbation stuff under control. Some days I'm buying that and other days...not so much. I went with him one time (to the therapist) and she said that I really need to make more of an effort to be trusting and give him the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. So far the thing that works best for me is just not giving a shit what he does.

My guess would be that therapist does not know the extent of what was going on. How about he really needs to make more of an effort to be honest and behave in such a manner as to not need the benefit of the doubt? Huh, how about that? Let's hear it for things like integrity and strength of character.

But...if the porn stuff was his medication for the feelings of rage he couldn't adequately express then he's on the right track. He has to learn to deal with the underlying issues and then the compulsion to use fades because he doesn't need it as much. And maybe he'll find a healthy way to deal with those issues?

Just found this forum. My husband of 19 years, been together 21 and have three teenage sons, deals with porn addiction and masterbates. He has depression and is waiting to see a psychicatrist. He is staying at a friends house for the month of July while the friend is on vacation. He feels he needs to be somewhere else other than our home to be objective and clear his head. I didn't want him to leave but in the end asked him to go before the day he had planned. He is very toxic in our household and I couldn't enable him anymore. He deals with depression, anxiety, lack of focus, doesn't finish what he starts, no self esteem, no self confidence, addictive personality, obssesses over everything, overthinks everything, has socially removed himself from everybody, given up his passions and hobbies, doesn't want to work anymore, unfulfilled. We have had a beautiful life together. Everyone, including the boys and I, are in shock that he is unfulfilled in his life. The porn is something, so I'm told, that he does to fill the void in his life that the depression causes. It helps him to push aside the feelings of emptiness that he has. I get it and I know that it's the depression but it's very difficult to take. Our lives are in limbo waiting for him to what? Come around? Change? Get medicated? I'm hoping that the psychiatrist is able to help him. I caught him online about two years ago. He admitted to thinking that he had an addiction and said that he couldn't even tell his councellor at the time who he was seeing for the depression. Guilt, shame etc. I am a loving wife who is guilty of nothing but loving him unconditionally. I know that he has a very big problem. This is the disease not the man. He has lied and hid the addiction for the past two years eventhough my instict told me differently. I caught him again this past March while on spring break. He went back to councelling when we got back from spring break vacation but this time he has a councellor that seems to be enabling him with his thoughts etc. I went with him to a seesion and realized that he wasn't being completely honest with her. Feeding her only what he wants her to know. She is not the professional for him. She was quite shocked when I enlightened her on a few things. She was also surprised to hear how supportive I am. I love this man with all my heart and I know that the man I married is in there somewhere but the depression is killing him. The porn is killing us! I don't know how long to wait this out? He is all alone right now. He has no friends. The husband of a friend of mine has asked to reach out to him. I have agreed. He needs someone in his life to talk to that is nonjudgemental and safe. His family is the type to brush things under the carpet and hope they go away. We have found out that his older brother cheated on his wife during their marriage of 16 years ... she left. On Friday night I got a phone call from my other sister in law saying that she has caught her husband, my husbands youngest brother, online meeting women and then meeting them in parking lots etc to fool around. What is with this family? How could three brothers all do something so similar? I have an amazing family and a great group of girlfriends that surround me. They check on me and the boys every day. Yes, I have been honest with them. Not just about the depression but also the porn. I felt I had to and that's just the way I am. I trust them with my life. I know that depression will be something that my husband will deal with for the rest of his life but I'm just not sure I can deal with this anymore. This was for richer or poorer, SICKNESS and in health ... Do I hang in there and hope he gets his head togther or do I run? I have myself and three beautiful boys to take care of. I've never imagined my life without my husband but am now thinking that I may have to. Advice anyone?

I've been marreid almost 18 years. I totally get it when you want to be there for someone. It sounds like you're in a "wait and see" kind of mode. I think it comes down to how long are you willing to wait it out? Are you able to handle taking care of three wonderful children on your own? I don't know if you work or not. I'm not saying base the decision on a financial move by any means.

In my situation (very new) I have set the grounds and have let it be known that I will not put myself or our child through anything that will make us uncomfortable if the issue(s) cannot be dealt with and/ or controlled. I don't care if I make less in this family. Happiness means a lot.

When I found out recently the extent of the matter (meaning how long it had been going and the excuses for it) I was shaking uncontrollably. I'd gotten to the "gotcha moment" that I wish I hadn't found but in many ways gave me the answers to the gut instinct I'd been having. I'm in that kind of "wait and see" mode as well. I've already noticed less time on the computer (watching porn) and the moving to a room where my son and I aren't for the fantasy masterbation, has significantly decreased. I can't say either has completely stopped as I can't confirm or expect anything to stop cold-turkey. This will be a process. I let him know that I am not going to be a babysitter. I have too much on my plate with him travelling for work, my work, the child, the house, etc.

When confronted he said it was a weight lifted off his shoulders. Suggested a software program for site tracking and even therapy. I know he wants to improve and I will support every step of the way. I love him very much but if found in the future that this is something he cannot stop then I will be faced with the decision as to whether this is something I want to endure and my child to pick up on.

I wish I had a solid answer for you but truly hope for the best even if it means striking out on your own.

My fiance is similar, he had an extremely rough childhood. His mother tried bringing him to a therapist when he was around 13 or so but never wanted to open up and talk baout what he was going through so he has a bad taste in his mouth now when it comes to therapy. He has anger issues and seems to self medicate through the internet. When I am hurt by his actions he can't handle what he did and how he made me feel so he just gets angry. The thing that confuses me is why he will lay next to me on the couch after we had yet another confrontation about the porn and cry trying to hold me without waking me up (I didn't feel like talking to him anymore that night so I pretended to be asleep). But when I try to talk to him about he he doesnt show that side to me, just his anger. Is it just that he doesn't know how to talk this out with me? Is this similar to what your fiance was doing?