Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Have been indulging in Porn and Masturbation since yesterday evening. And am still doing so now. I don't feel bad right now. I guess that's because I have done it after a long time (3 weeks or so). But I am neglecting my work. I am slightly empty headed. I have a very important exam in two months but I have sorta lost focus. I don't know how much I have to cover everyday to make it in time. I am totally disoriented right now. I guess Porn and Masturbation do that to you; you get so lost in it that you don't want to do anything else. Today, again, I am acting like a recluse. I am avoiding people, avoiding phone calls. The cycle has started all over again.

Right now in my mind, there is no reason why I shouldn't indulge (except for a faint conclusion in my memory made many months ago). Right now, I am not suffering because of Porn and Masturbation. Right now, they are not affecting my career and my love life. But I know, they'll soon. This is not an easy addiction to deal with. It seems simple but it is devious. I don't have any feelings to stop right now implies no motivation. I guess that's what will power is about. To do something just because you know it's right. I am weak in this department but I guess I gotta learn. Otherwise, I'll be crying a few months down the line.

When I started I did not know, I would get stuck in such a mess! Ah well, there is still time to make amends.

I am acting like a wasted man. Just watching porn and watching TV. Right now, I don't want to be disturbed; I want to do things my way right now. And right now, I am not receptive to other people's requirements, societal protocol or any external changes in the environment. I just want to continue this - doing nothing, sitting around in front of the TV or watching stuff on the computer. I don't want to watch porn anymore. Not interested. But I don't want to do anything else either. I just want to laze around. I guess that's what I have done for many years. Probably that's why I never reached even half my potential. My brain is so switched off right now. It is strange.

And yet I don't feel like stopping altogether. No, I still have time to prepare for my exams. This feeling to completely get away from porn and masturbation will become stronger as the exam date comes closer and I haven't studied at all. Yeah, it is the realization that you have been completely destroyed that forces you to give up masturbation and porn. But as soon as life becomes comfortable again, you lose that resolve and indulge again until the situation becomes bad again. It's a cycle. Aah.

Indulging again. Reason: Probably because I have not decided yet to stop again. Reason for excitation: Saw something in the market. Do I feel like watching stuff now: Nope. Just carrying out the decision I had made earlier. State of mind: poor, not receptive, reclusive.

Have been acting mindlessly since I started indulging in Porn on Oct 31, 2009. I have sort of become less sensitive. Have forgotten about the tasks ahead. I know what I have to do but I don't feel much for it right now (A numbing of my emotions you can say). My life has sort of become more local; I don't think much. I am reacting more to life than doing something on my own right now. There is more to this addiction than meets the eye.

I indulged so easily yesterday because I don't have any definite codes of conduct regarding porn and masturbation. For example, drugs and smoking is a strict no no for me. So when I just dropped my resolution to not indulge I could easily succumb to it at the slightest provocation.

One cannot live life this way of that I'm sure now. One major question facing me now is will I change in time?

Have not watched porn since the previous post. I did not intend to but it is sorta becoming a habit. Baby steps :D

Ah well, I indulged yesterday and today. Did not post before because I guess nobody else is reading, so posting here before I indulge did not seem too important. I don't really enjoy porn that much, I enjoy wanking. Seeing nude women through media or in reality does not really affect me that much, it's my imagining later with that women or in that scene that ruins me. I am very strongly addicted to masturbation, porn is just fuel.

Indulged today also. Again did not post before indulging; I guess I should start it again. Today, I watched porn and masturbated not because I wanted to, I was just surfing the internet: sex and other related things are the first things that come to my mind, that's all. I don't read the news, spend time on social networking sites. Most of my time goes in computer programming, software or porn. I masturbate heavily too. I would really like to give up this addiction now, I guess I would feel so much more confident. This knowledge that I'm an addict reduces my self esteem a lot. I want to partake in Internet Fasting. I will not use the internet tomorrow, however much I need it. Let's see how this works out. Internet is proving to be a huge time waster for me. Masturbation just takes reduces my energy, internet uses up my time. Time is something I can't really afford to lose. I'm in my prime and addicted :-(

Internet Fasting proved to be immensely helpful! Not only did I not watch porn, I also did not search for random things on the internet (To satisfy my curiosity! Last night I was looking at the world's armies on wikipedia for example and searching for Krav Maga. I don't intend to learn martial arts anytime soon. But still, ...)

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Work expands to fill the time available
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By limiting my time on the internet, I just did what was important and needed to be done. No googling. No porn. Today was a success (^_^)

Today I indulged again. Have stopped the internet fasting. Maybe that's the culprit. I am unable to maintain a routine. If a thought pops in my head, I have to do it like watching porn. :(