Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Hello Everyone,

I know I am one of the many spouses/friends/family members who seek some help on here related to porn addiction. But I really don't find answers for myself in how to deal with this issues.

My fiance and I have been living now for almost 6 months together. A few months ago I've noticed a stash of porn collection in his drawer which shocked. When I asked him, he told me that it was giving to him from one of his neightbors, who is a porn movie producer Well, I was shocked first (there were at least 30-40 different DVDs) but let it go eventually, thinkning that many men do that, so it's ok. PLus, our sexual life is healthy and we have an intercourse on a daily basis.....Gradually, I started noticing that every time I am not home/leave to work earlier than him/come home later than him, he watched his porn. He tried to hide this but I know a few ways to check if he watches it or not. It came to the point that now he tries to find some time alone and do it and we won't eve have an intercourse anymore. Comparing that we had sex every day before when we started dating and living together, right now it's once in 5-6 days. I am a young woman, very full of life and evenrgy, love sex, of course with the man I love and I don't know what to do.....We barely speak to each other when we come home....The world is just going upside down for me. Most interesting thing, when I tried to offer to watch together, it made him feel very uncomfortable.

PLease Help! or at least give some piece of mind on how to handle this thing that brings out relationship down like a snowfall.....IS there any hope?

Thanks,

~C

There is always hope. Have you talked to him about how his habits make you feel? What is his reaction? The hurt is like a feeling of betrayel. Please remember one thing through this, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT in any way. Talk to him and let me know how it goes.

There's no way you can live with both things at the same time, for either he will love one and hate the other.
He has to choose.
He must realize that his addiction will make him lose a lot pf precious things in life.

With my experience, which is very fresh (just a couple of weeks now), is that when they don't won't to have sex with you, it's not your fault, but theirs. They have an addiction and like any addiction they need to go to a "another level" to get their "high". I, too, had an active sex life, but eventually they need to go that next level. I, too, offerred to watch or look at pictures with him, but this is a turn-off for them....part of their "high" is getting away with this or hiding it. It's like a "rush" to them. Eventually, our sex life didn't exist....but his porn addiction was more demanding...and I'm sorry to say this, he is no longer with me. I'm not saying there isn't hope for these addicts, but please believe, me girl, I've lived with this horror for over 4 years and it doesn't getter any better....only worse. It's the hardest thing I've ever done....kicked the man that I love and cherish out of my house, but I cannot live with all of the lies and decent anymore. My daughter and I will be much better now. My prayers are with you.........please keep talking! It does help!

I agree with everything said on these posts! I posted this in another place here, but I will say it again: When these men are engaged in watching porn, in a weird way, they ARE having sex,, without YOU!! How can you compare with the images they are watching? You can't! It starts simple enough, but it goes deeper and deeper until real sex with their wives is not enough. It is the same as a drug addiction, the need comes for more and harder junk!
It took real guts to throw your guy out, but sometimes that's what it takes! You have to protect your kids from this at all costs! ----Jon

I am also addicted to masturbation. And I have unlimited access to any kind of porn I want. No, I am not single. I make efforts to learn how to please my woman. We don't make out too often because we are not yet married. But the thing I notice whenever I'm with her, I don't feel as great at times as compared to when I'm in my fantasies. You see men (or men like me) like it when the woman is surprised to see them naked or their cock (But in reality, after some exposure women are really comfortable and they don't even pay much attention to it). The thing is men like a lot of attention on their groin. Normal women don't understand all this. They don't understand how or why a man gets high. It's a mental thing. The more you work on his mind (/play with his mind), the more he'll love you.

Now there is a solution:-

1. Voluntary: This solution can be used when the guy knows from the pit of his stomach that his masturbation is ruining his life, that he is addicted to it, that there is something wrong. In such a case, he can join Sexaholics Anonymous (http://www.sa.org/). I'm sure; you will find a group near you. The chemicals released after sex are seconded by only drugs like cocaine in strength. So it really is powerful. If you read further, you'll understand that the problem is more than physical, it's emotional also. He should also know how to deal with the void (when he's alone and has nothing pressing on his hands). I have some SA audio mp3s, and they have really helped. By listening to people, who have really destroyed their lives because of their addiction to sex, has brought sense into me (A lot earlier if I had been on my own). SA is really good. But first your husband has to realize (more than feel!) it's a problem; you can help him do that (Indirectly of course.)

Better yet, go sign up for the online recovery program at http://addictionsuccess.com

Thank you all for your time and supportive thoughts. One week ago my fiance and I broke up. I had to do it!! It hurts me so much that i can't go a day without crying about it all. Unfortunately, things end up not with just him watching porn but something more, more insulting and tearfull for me ...Read on....

Before the break up, I was trying to deal and find any exuse to not believe what is going on and block any thoughts that his behavior can distroy our relationship..I would try to find a good time to speak to my fiance about his behavior. However, he is very complexed and keeps everything inside of him and BARELy speaks his mind about anything. Everytime, I would try to make a conversation and/or ask questions he would always react unadequately and would always deny that he has any issues. Instead, he would make me feel and look guilty and would accuse me of being some young psycho woman, moody and argumentive. He would claim that he is tired of my accuses and arguments and that i I am not happy, I should leave. I forgot when we had sex last time since I wrote my first email... we would literally spend nights in silence.he would continue his activity with porn and even more!!!!!!

Well, last week I found out that my fiance was going on ww.craigslist.com and was ordering erotic services from young women (21-23 y.o) in our area. ("Bang a Pornstar for 150$ special deal" incall and outcall", " Erotic Pleasures from a Deja Vu Streeper" etc.) He replied to these adds asking if these women are available to indulge... I am assuming that they would speak over the phone or I might be wrong, he could also have an intercourse with them. At that moment, my glass was full. My head went spinning when I've read some of the emails...I wanted to scream. ...I had to end it. I am healthy, professional female athlete, with very good looks and always getting tons of compliments on my body and my european looks. Although, I do love him so much and gave up so much for him and trusted him, I had to end this now!!!

My heart is broken, I don't know how can I trust another guy again....Nobody would ever think that this guy would ever do such a thing. he would actually speak about prostitutes and pornstars with disrespect and disgust. But everything turnes out different.

We still live in one house. I found a new place for myself where I am gonna move in to. Even today, when I got back to the house after work, our bed was a mess (it's always made up when we go to work), his tv/dvd remotes been all over the bed) and there was a towel under the bed that was still wet from his ejaculation. I am trying to move on and not think about anything but it's hard as I am still under one roof with him....

Today, I've had the saddest valentine's day, spent alone in the house of the person who betrayed me and our relationship.....

Waiting for your replies.

Love,
~C

Dear Camy, I feel so sad for you! This is a classic example of how starting out just "looking" and making mental pictures in your mind can come to life, can go from mental to the physical. You are right, you can never trust him, for trust has to be earned, not given freely. You have made the right decision, to leave. Please use this as an learning experience, painful as it is. Before I was married, I had an older neighbor friend say to me when he heard I was getting married, I don't remember the question, but he said, "You don't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first." Meaning not to marry without having sex first.. Well this is so far from the truth, and God's plan for true happiness in marriage. I hope you can find a good man, even if he had sex before, maybe he would agree that he made mistakes, and you both can wait and base your relationship early on, on more than sex, like say REAL LOVE AND RESPECT!!! So later on, sex can be enjoyed as God has planned and established. Sounds old fashioned, but it really works out best that way. I've been married for 34 going on 35 years, only ever had the same woman in my bed. It really is the best way, but God forgives and makes things change. He is the God of second chances, 3rd, 4th so on. Thank you for sharing your heart. I bought my wife a new ring for Valentines day. She is just loving it, and loving me too. I only wish and pray the same thing for all the broken hearts that post here too. -----Jon

Thank you, John for your kind answer....

However, it's all so fresh for me that I hardly can even think and do something to move on. I am just trying to find an answer for myself: " WHY DO MEN DO THAT???!!!!" Especially if next to them is an atractive, young, full of life woman... Yes, we thought lately a lot about many reasons, I was stressed about my some significant things in my life. But instead of turning to me and helping me to resolve whatever I was dealing with, he turned away and broke my heart in half..... I don't get it. May be because I am a very seincere, caring person myself, most of all, layal, I would expect the same treatment from my partner and everyon I know..and it's not always the case.

~C

Sorry, for the TYPO. I meant to say that we FOUGHT a lot lately*****

Dear Camy,, As usual, you have found out that "most" men are only interested in sex, not relationship. You want warm loving interaction, talk, touch, caress, flowers, romance. Men want food and sex, either order. Satisfaction only comes after, and sometimes there is never enough of either. Television and the movies show us a lie, a man and women are attracted to each other, next thing you know the clothes are off, sex is on. They don't show the broken hearts, especially the women, compounded hundreds of times if they become pregnant by a man who doesn't care for them after the sex act. It's not an "act" it's the beginning of relationship, then it's over and I got what I wanted .... you get lost! It's a terrible thing!!! I feel so bad for you and others, but God can heal the worst broken heart when we turn our lives and problems over to HIM!!! ----Jon

Camomile,
I agree with Jon. And I also understand that your mind is still spinning out of control about all this. You made the right decision in ending it. From your observation and side of the story it seems true to say that he does not what to stop. Let him lose the best thing that has ever happened to him. You're a special person. We all are. We just need to figure out why we are so special and the first part of it is loving and respecting ourselves. Many women after they have a serious relationship go wrong because of this filthy addiction lose that love and respect for themselves. If men compliment you, look for someone that compliments your passion for life, your humor, your heart. There are men out there that do that. And if you hold yourself to that standard, you will find one! Lastly I want to say thanks for your thoughts too. As a man, I don't understand women perfectly..yet . But I intend to try. My wife are still young, when comparing to Jon. We are going on number 7 here this spring. But I love her more today than I did yesterday. Hope you keep on smiling and loving life!

hi, i am not trying to discourage u but until he admits and knows that he has a problem than u cant help him. i unfortunately know this first hand as i am a recovering porn and masturbation addict. reading ur post was like looking into a mirror of my wife and i. my advice to u is take a fork and damage every single disc. if he buys more than he has a major problem.my wife and i have gone through hell.but i have now gone 49days without masturbating.and without porn.and started with my wife destroying it

Camo,
What ever happened? Hope it is better.

I was so hurt when I started finding things out. The longer sex, staying in the (home) office more, washing the hands, staying in the bed when my son and I were up and getting ready for school/work. One night he jumped right in bed thinking I was asleep and started masterbating. Heck, I couldn't sleep with the bed shaking. I also noticed sounds and longer showers. Caught him one morning. He tried to tell me these things were not going on. I eventually figured it all out by clicking "back" on the computer while his e-mail was up. Hmmm, "xxxxxxxx2005" had some matches...hot lady matches. Wow, since 2005? I believe he was trying to drag me into this phase by making me feel as though I had opened up sexually when it was him dragging me into his fantasy-land. Mond you he wasn't letting mein all the way. Saving the best for himself. The puzzle pieces started to fit and everything was brought out into the open. He has made some instant changes which I have noticed. He will have to regain my trust that is for sure. Sex was good sometimes a little longer than I liked but he seemed to keep up. He hadn't fallen into the fantasy deep enough yet to distance my sexual needs. Don't know if that is a consolation but taking it for what it may be worth.

Continued masterbation can lead to delayed ejaculation. Less sperm, lack of ability to orgasm, and blood flow. Eventually the ejacualtion goes back into the bladder. A tough problem to correct if taken too far. I had started noticing this. I believe he has too as it is starting affect him. It lets me down as well. I have needs and hurts both when you can't get it together. I remembered one morning letting him know that I can't simulate that grip he had. Sorry but you have to loosen up or don't expect me to rock your world because I can't. I have noticed a change of habit. Will it last? I can only hope things get better.

I won't let his poorly-made decisions to make our son or myself uncomfortable any longer. He knows this. I'm hoping for the best but am prepared for the worst.