Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

This is cross posted but I wanted maximum input.

Okay, so if I always do what I've always done, then I'll always get what I've always got, right?

He really does seem (emphasis on seem) sincere about addressing his issues with porn. He uses it for stress relief with intense emotion being his biggest trigger, with boredom following closely. Boredom is pretty easy to fix though and he's done really well staying busy by actually starting to pull his weight around the house and with the kids. Who knew the man could cook?

Anyway...now I have to change some things too? Because I've grown so accustomed to our relationship being more align with a parent/child relationship than an equal partnership. And I have to admit I am still suspicious that it's all smoke and mirrors and will disappear at any moment. I have no faith left in him at all.

What do I do? Do I change anything? I am very good at living in the moment, being appreciative and providing positive reinforcement but then again I'm thinking of him in terms of a child who is displaying appropriate behavior. It's hard not to do, as I gauge him at approximately 14 years old emotionally.

Anyone know how to break out of that mold? I am not controlling, I don't micromanage, I'm not enmeshed with the kids. After 5 years of individual therapy I am confident that I'm not enabling him nor am I codependent. I have my own life entirely separate from him...my career is going extremely well and I'm financially capable. I do tend to be responsible for more things as far as the house and kids go but that's because that's where I live and they are also my kids...so I take care of things as I see fit, regardless of what he does. If that makes sense? For instance, I work full time and refuse to spend all my days off cleaning the house so I hired a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks and do the heavy or monotonous stuff, like dusting and scrubbing the floors and the bathrooms. He says that is a waste of money because we are more than capable of doing it ourselves. Still others say that's what the three kids are for! I told him I may be capable but I'm unwilling. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week to run, for me...I love getting that runners high and I feel so good afterward. It's my addiction. I do yoga, I spend time with friends and family, etc. In fact, we don't have much of a life together at all.

The only behavior I have that might be construed as codependent is the filter on the computer, which is there only for the kids and he knows the password so he can turn it off anytime he chooses. I told him when we got it...B2 had managed to find his way to a very soft-core gay porn site once and I was just a little upset, considering he was 7 at the time... that it was only for the kids and that I'm not his mother because he asked me not to tell him the password. He chose to put Covenant Eyes on the computer and has me set up as his accountability partner and I've asked him to find someone else. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend a single minute on that crap. I've got the reports coming every 2 weeks and I really only read the top part...looks good or not. If not, I'll glance at the high scoring sites and half the time they're mine!

I can't turn off the natural counselor part though. When he wants to talk I listen and I offer feedback but I'm really emotionally removed...as if he were a client instead of my husband.

Is there anything I should be doing? Will I find myself engaging again at some point? Will it happen naturally or do I have to work on it? And then again should I even bother? But then again I am *stuck* there for the next 2 years so I figure why not? What have I got to lose, really?

This is really bugging me. If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got. And around and around we go, where it stops nobody knows!

hi, as if I should talk!!!, I am a male mid 40's 2 boys. My wife is no nonsense , period! 12 years ago I was caught on porn, and have regreted since, but I still looked it up over the years. I pull my weight at home (i think( and I am the bread winner, she keeps every thing in order, clean, kids , meals etc. But what I seem to miss is her involvment in my life. I mean we do stuff, but only after all others are done. the attention is few , especially with everyday life. love life once a week or once every 2 weeks. But the marrage seems to be in limbo for all others to get there share. we are last! My thought was well if we are last and I am getting blamed for it what the hell, I might as well do it. before seeing a counsler, I thought if she found out that would be it, I stopped only to relaps after 2 months, but again I am going strong and seeing a counsler and all seems better. have you tried, like with a kid, some responsibilities?? . I would try to slack off on his stuff , like cleaning up his messes etc. It sounds like there is no fear of loosing or wanting to turn it around. Can the computor be turned off?? perm?? There was a saying , take the tv out of the bedroom and the intamacy level goes up, keep it in the bedroom and it goes way down. hope this helps some. me

Thanks, me. He manages to somewhat pull his weight and he's getting better all the time. I came home from work one night last week to dinner on the table and laundry in the wash and I assumed our 13 year old had done it and I was floored when she said "No, Daddy did it."

And I'm very good at letting him taking care of himself...it's the kids, house and pets that I was doing more than my fair share but again he's getting better at that. He's even started spending time with our son.

I suppose it will come naturally, for the most part. When his actions are congruent with his words then my reactions should fall into place, right?

As someone who only just joined this forum and whose marriage failed at least in part due to my own porn addiction, feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.

If he is legitimately trying to make a change, then you need to as well. That means stop treating him as a client or child, and start treating him as a husband. If you want to save your marriage, then how you WANT to treat him shouldn't matter. He still wants to look at porn and he has to make a conscious, difficult decision not to. You have to make that same kind of conscious decision.

Of course, the tougher decision you have to make is whether you even want things to work out. The tone of your penultimate paragraph makes me think you haven't really figured that out yet. It's not enough to say "I'm stuck here for the next two years anyway" -- people can put up with a lot of crap if they know that it's eventually going to end. If all you want to do is wait out the next two years and see if you feel any differently, then my prediction is that you probably won't. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but my ex-wife and I did that very sort of thing for nearly four years, and we both hated ourselves and each other even more than we would have if we had just had the guts to admit that it was time to break up. I'm not saying that breaking up is the right thing for you to do, just that you need to decide NOW whether it is, not defer the question for your later self to answer.

I am not a big believer in "everything will fall into place." It takes human action to both ruin and rebuild relationships. He appears to have taken the first step; it's time for you to take the second. Wash, rinse, repeat. :)

I think I'm going to continue to wait-and-see, I just don't feel like I'm willing to put forth any more effort than I've already put forth. My original post doesn't mention that this has been going on for nearly 10 years, with a rather predictable cycle...quit, decide there's nothing wrong with it and ease back into it, go full throttle but try to hide it and lie about it, blow up at me because IT'S ALL MY FAULT, and then quit again...wash, rinse, repeat, right? Oh, and the first 5 years, well...at about year 2 I *knew* something was *off* but couldn't put my finger on it, it took another 3 years. And at that point I wanted to leave and a family member talked me out of it by comparing addiction to cancer and can you believe I fell for that shit? I should've known...said family member was an alcoholic. I often wonder how different my life would've been had I left when I wanted.

So, yeah...your advice is good, and believe me, I am not normally a wait and see kinda person...but, at this point?