Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

I have been with my fiance 5 years now and we have a 2 1/2 year old son. We used to watch it together when we first started dating, I find it disgusting and would just laugh. Then it started to become a daily thing and I told him how it was making me feel and asked him to slow down or stop. Nope, after all this time we are still having issues with it. I know it has nothing to do with me but I can't help but hate myself and can't help it but him too right now. It happens everytime I leave the house to do a fun over night trip with my family. I come home and he just gets a look on his face like he's hiding something and I can always tell and always find it. For a while he was really into religion and was told that it is considered cheating (looking upon another woman with lust) but then once his interest in religion started to fade, the issue came back up. I read on another site that I need to put up boundries, express my feelings and consiquences for not agree'ing but he isn't very understanding on my side of this debate and tells me to get over it or leave. I am so torn between my own feelings and not wanting to have to go running back to mommy and daddy to crash there for a while. I need to grow some testicular fortitude but just can't muster it. My self esteem and self worth have been beaten down so badly I don't think I can ever get over this. And not being able to talk to friends about this doens't help either. Hopefully getting it off my chest and expressing my self on here will help. I just need to verbalize this with him and get to him to work on this together I suppose. :(

hello missgrimm,
you have my sympathies. You hit the nail right on the head when you wrote it has nothing to do with you. It really doesnt. For right now you are no where on the raidar for him..that sux and is extremely painfull. His addiction has reached an extremely selfish place and you are not going to be listened to, heard, respected nor missed if you leave by the sounds of it.
You are already isolating yourself from friends and family because you say you cant talk to them, yet I know as someone who has suffered with a sexually addicted spouse for many years this is the only thing on your mind. You need to talk.
This guy probably has a huge ego- correct me if I'm wrong- and part of this ego loves to be chased and worried over and wanted..he gets off not only on the porn but in a sick way also on your anxiety and the pain youre in even though it doesnt have anything to do with you. He's sick..and so are you now as a result. Thats the way this works. The best thing you can do for yourself at this point in time is to surround yourself with those you know who love you..youre very lucky you have your mom and dad..get yourself a good therapist to help you with setting boundries- solid ones- and start taking care of you, you and your son..even tho hes only 2 1/2 he knows theres something wrong. Kids are extremely sensative. Keeping him in that emotionally negative place with that going on isnt good for him.
You're still young, get out before you wind up with 20 years of tottally unecessary anguish and pain like I did. I hate men..I dont trust and am tottally bitter..you dont want to go there. Its really stupid. all the best-

I think one of my best options right now is to write out an "intervention" like letter. Tell him exactly how I feel without making it seem like an attack. Then lay out my boundries and what he will lose if he refuses to get help. I'm hoping this will be the best wy to communicate with him because I have such harsh feelings I don't think i'd be able to calmly tell him everything myself. Then sit down and listen to what he has to say about it. If he isn't willing to try then i'll have to gather my things and leave. I think one of his biggest issues is fear of being abandon so when I try to confront him with everything he gets angry because he doesnt know how else to handle it. He's had alot of dramatic things happen in his life and that's another reason I want to go to couples therapy with him. I don't think he realizes how much I want to help him and fix things. It's just so hard to even function right now with all this going on again. I've even made movies with him and taken pictures because he said he wouldn't look at other women online if I did so. That just ended in me feeling even more rejected after he lied again. Thank you so much for listening and trying to help. It means so much that I have someone to talk to even though we don't know each other :)

dear Missgrimm,
an intervention letter is an okay idea- it all depends on how much of a hold this addiction has on him. From experience I know these guys will try to 'have their cake and eat it too' so to speak. They live in 2 different worlds and want to keep a toe hold in both. I cant count how many letters I have written..everytime he cried and vowwed never to do it again in complete sincereity..he went to s.a.- therapists etc etc..but as soon as it seemed everything was smoothed out he was right back at it. Today he is in re-hab for this and drinking and he's been there twice before. The house is being packed up as i write this. He has lost his daughter many times to this-that never phased him or detered him..she is now 19 and has no respect for him and has disowned him and he does not seem to care.
You cant help him- you cant fix him. it isnt yours to fix. I also doubt if abandonment is as much of an issue as you believe. Think about it- you have a son. if you left him over this he would wind up paying support and possibly even spousal support - he might lose a lot of things over this.. This a huge motivator for a true sex addict to lie even better- tell you what you want to hear so he can have both worlds and lose nothing because of his incredibly bad behaviour.
In my opinion, and its just mine, he uses his anger to scare you, intimidate you, control you. He knows what he is doing is wrong or he wouldnt lie- he is guilty without a doubt and everytime you say something you threaten and stand directly in the way of his fantasy of being able to have both worlds. he's counting on your love to be able to do just that. it truly is an emotional battle ground that can lead to huge consequences-for all 3 of you. This has lead me personally all the way to suicide- my daughter too. It can get very ugly and it is tottaly unnecessary.
You cant control him- the sooner you admit that the better. The only one you can control is you-
Maybe what I'm saying seems a little harsh, but the truth often is. Dont minimize your feelings or his lies or the behaviour. There is no soft way of dealing with this- if I knew what I know now I certainly would have by-passed the letter writing and gone straight for the door- its either this life or that life buddy. Never give these guys room to sit on the fence or to reserve the right to keep doing what they are doing- consequences, boundries and harsh realities are the only way to deal with this. take care- chin up-my prayers are with you.

Dear Missgrimm, simplyme1
Do you think by fighting, by drawing boundaries, by threatening to leave, you can make your spouses stop. The fact of the matter is even if they decide to stop for good, they will not be able to stop. Please spare some moments to internalize this. The addiction is ingrained in them now. It'll take some time to overcome. And there will be times of relapse.

I have been genuinely trying to quit "Porn and Masturbation" and I have not been able to yet. I don't socialize that much. I don't have strong will power. And most importantly, I don't have any hobbies I really enjoy and am successful at. Can you identify any of these in your spouses? If yes, they'll probably relapse, even if they try sincerely. All I am saying is it takes time. And it is a very difficult process because it involves life style changes as well. [For example: Succumbing to porn and masturbation is easy. While doing it, you can forget about the tensions, worries and pressures of life. This is one of the ways how addicts deal with tensions, worries and pressures. So, in order to get your life back, you'll have to learn how to deal with tension, pressures differently. Maybe you're pessimistic right now and therefore, take tension easily. Or maybe, you are too self conscious and therefore, you never tried to do anything publicly or maybe something as simple as jogging, swimming, etc. It's easy to lock the room, switch on the computer, watch porn and masturbate but it's hard to go outside and do something meaningful - it takes effort, it involves some amount of pain.] Hopefully now you realize madams, your spouses will have to change their whole outlook to overcome this addiction -- it's too deep seated. I have overcome this addiction (when I feel very bad) for a few days from time to time but I always relapse. The reason why you wanted to give up the addiction fades away with time and the pressure (read desire) starts building up in your loins. So, most men fail in a few days.

I don't have solutions right now. Please talk to some successful people (and their better halves) [You'll find them in Both Porn and Masturbation Addiction Category] to gain some idea of how to tackle this problem.

Hope through this post, I opened up your eyes somewhat.

Mr. Nobody

My fiance has alot of hobbies, it's just when i'm out of town or out for the night on a trip with friends he does this. It's starting to get into the scarier kind too that's one of the reasons I have such an issue and am so upset, not just because of self image now. And lately when we do have sex he's surprising me with some new things he wants to try and frankly a few I am very uncomfortable with due to their extreme kinkyness. But I try for him anyway. I don't know. So basically I am being told he won't change and after 5 years and a son i'm on my own now. No one has any positive encouragement or advice? Or am I just to throw in the towel?


Well then I think I just lost all hope and am going to cry in a corner for the next few months.......

Dear missgrimm and Mr. nobody-
the sad fact of the matter is is this is one of the worst-if not the worst- addictions there is. It is that because it is basically an addiction to the hormone, dopameen ( that the body naturally produces and has been compared to the use of cocain or heroin by professionals who have studied this at length-look up sex addiction on the net and read all you can) that is provided in huge quantities through orgasm. This is a fact. The addict doesnt have to buy it..hunt for it and doesnt display any obvious signs that drug or alcohol display. it is an addiction that relies on opportunity, planning and pornographic material, and they dont necessarily need porn..a mirror will do..and they can and do 'save images' for later use. its insidious. Images are on t.v...there are women on the street- its everywhere.
By givving clear boundries etc. I have found that no that doesnt work. is there hope???? Only through commitment on his part and sexual sobriety is there any hope.
Please dont go cry in a corner..dont do that..by doing that youre hanging your happiness and well being on him and you are basically telling yourself thatt you are nothing without him. That simply isnt true..but you've fallen into the trap and allowed him to make this all about him. You are being held hostage from living an authentic life-which you deserve- because you are worried and preoccupied with his problem- its called co-addiction. (theres some good reading material on the subject- look up co-dependants of sexual addiction)You've got to turn the table on this guy and make it all about you..you and your son if you are going to get through this quickly and well. What about you???? Your education- what do you do? Do you work?? Do you have any hobbies???
Never ever hang his problem on yourself..it isnt yours..
mr. nobody-the desire really isnt in your loins- its between the ears. You need to do some reading to..I say that with respect.

I think I have just been in denial about all of this really, I understand now that I have to help myself before I can attempt to help him. I have not been working, and planned on staying home with him until he starts going to school. I find that to be very rewarding because I get to teach him things that most kids in pre-k are just starting to learn. That is basically one of my main hobbies, teaching my son. A lot of my hobbies my fiance and I do together, like hiking and going to concerts. I also am very close to the girls in my family and we are always getting together to go out or take trips. I was starting to feel like I couldn't leave the house on weekends or for the night because of his problem. It was basically only when I was not home and never when I was. We don't have cable tv because I hate it and have our computer hooked up to the living room tv. I was thinking that if I was home I could stop him from doing this at all, I odn't know why I thought that now. So basically after talking to him last night he said he was going to do therapy with me because he is tired of feeling guilty after what he does and doesn't want to ruin our family. So I will be trying to find a therapist and making an appointment, even if he decides to back out and continue I will keep going to get myself some help through this. And i'm sure with the help of a professional i'll get the guts to walk away if he doesn't want to fix this.

dear missgrimm,
from the sounds of it you are in the early stages of co-dependancy to his addiction, this is good news. Your not so tangled up in the web where you cant get out. The most important person in this equation is the one that cant speak for himself- your son. even at his tender age he knows something isnt right. I wish to God I would have had someone to grab me by the scruff of the neck 20 years ago to point that out to me- I got so tangled up and isolated over his addiction that i got very sick too and wound up neglecting my children..I wound up an alcoholic and bi-polar. With no family support and with not letting friends in I wound up completely isolated with this for many years. I have 2 sons and a daughter- my sons both lost all respect for us- my husband for what he was doing and me because I wouldnt leave and for my drinking- all I have left is my girl...and thats getting pretty thin. I no longer drink..I have signed up to go back to school..its taken 20 years to get to the point where i care about me again. My biggest regret is the loss of my boys and 20 years of my life to this addiction that wasnt mine...if I can say anything to anyone who is in this situation that will make a difference so they dont make the same mistake then all my pain wont be for nothing..
I hurt over this every single day..I pray every day..I still have huge problems leaving the house or even making friends- i still dont have any of those, just my therapist lolol...and my miniature weiner dog who is my constant companion.
Your boy is going to grow up..if you dont respect yourself enough to strive for a better life for yourself and for him he will eventually lose respect too. Of course you love your hubby..thats not what this is about..sometimes love just isnt enough.

This addiction is truly very sad (I guess all addictions are more or less.) Your stories give me additional reasons for not indulging. I am not married yet but I can sorta make out what my spouse will go through, if I continue.

"It is easy not to think about the consequences in the future and indulge in the pleasures available today." ~ Mr. Nobody

mr.nobody,
its a good thing you're not married with that lax attitude..its the same one thats going to land my hubby in the 'homeless with no where to go' category..i guess the lesson is the consequences get worse as the addiction grows- as you ALLLOW it to grow..and if someone is stupid enough not to take action- dumb enough to fall for temptation where they are putting their own life on the line (and thats the consequences with all addictions) then far be it for anyone to want hang around or stick around such a sick, uncommitted stupid individual.
my kingdom for masturbation...? dumb..really really dumb.

Well I suppose we've taken a step in the right direction, now just to see if his new found desire to fix things sticks. He has agreed to go to therapy together and I have set an appointment. I'll let you know how it goes.

good luck missgrimm-beware of 'sincere lying'- it goes with the territory and theyre ver convincing.

Miss Grimm:
I am there. Just found out not too long ago. Him telling you to get over it I believe (only my opinion) is wrong. Mine tried to tell me it was because when we moved to a new place that I became some kind of social mom and had changed. We have a son and if indulging our son in sports and fun things is wrong - I'm sorry I'm not buying it or the "we were married young" and now he wants to explore. I let him know that this has nothing to with me - its you. He got bored along the way and picked this up as a "filler" only it stayed for the long haul. I could tell some changes had come along with him: socially and sexually. I told him what I found out and laid down the law. I'm not going to babysit him and I can't just fix it. It's true, its chemical and something they have to search within themselves to change. Maybe therapy is an option.

He has made some changes and I have noticed. I will support him as much as I can. I suspect if there is a relapse into this visual fantasy-land (porn/masterbation) and it takes over what is important (family) then I know it will be time to make some decisions. 18 years is a long time but I have so much more to give and experience. I'm not going to let someone else sabotage the good in life because they choose not to see the forest beyond the trees. I would love for us to stay together for the rest of our lives. That was the intent from the beginning.

I love him. I will be there. I'm not going to "fix" it. I can't. He has to make the change for the better. If he can't then don't let the door hit ya on the way out. He knows that. I will not continue to be uncomfortable or see my son be uncomfortable with poorly-made decisions made by my other half. I will have to be vigilent of the "sincere lying" as well. I'm hoping for the best but am prepared for the worst.

Well right now he is at his first therapy session, I couldn't start mine yet due to insurance problems but hopefully that will be resolved very soon. I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction and will help us find out if we are going to work out in the end.