Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Hi, I have been a porn addict for ten years.
Its too too long
I have been in therapy several times, working on this issue, and alot of spiritual work. I have gone maybe 7-8 weeks max before a relapse. But I am determined to get to the other side of this. My commitment is to now stop using pornography - once and for the rest of my life. I never really had an addiction before, but this is a real addiction. I wish to participate in this forum to generate some community for stopping now. I welcome anybody who also believes they must do this to restore sanity and balance into their lives. I really believe that there are at least 10 million online porn addicts in america, a new and hidden epidemic. I must stop now for me, and if I can stop then maybe that will make it easier for someone else to stop.
This is my day 1
no porn means I don't look at porn, and I don't look at almost porn - so no pausing and rewinding a scene in a movie, no lingering over adds in womens mags - etc. I know now that this behavior has snagged me back in the past after a month of sobriety.
I know now that I cannot be 'cool' with just a little porn - I am that addict who just gets piggishly greedy when I find it.
I know now that I am not just testing myself when I look a little - I am just hooking back into it. the testing myself was always a self-lie
But I also know the clarity of mind when I am somewhat unhooked from it.
It is useful for me to realize that this is a brain chemical addiction like heroin - it has a real physical hook into me - I can't just do a 'little' heroin
I am aware of the pink cloud, the depression, the 'why not?' mood of not caring again. I just want to find the path beyond that.
If God can emerge in Man as certainty beyond all craving and attachment - then let that arise and be embodied in me, and everyone else on this forum.
I want to be that person who has stopped this - who has mastered this impulse -
This is my declaration - I am stopping NOW and Forever.

third day - yikes - the urges occur like its business as usual - except I declare that it is not. Want to use porn, but I won't! Porn desire always occurs as a response to a triggering. The trigger today is feelings of frustration at work and having to deal with annoying bills and phone calls - I register it as frustration. Not going to porn...Noticed an acute and heightened sense of worthlessness. I think porn use is often to cover that up - don't want to feel it. Not that I think I should feel worthless - just that it is there and the porn rush hides it. I don't want to hide it, and I don't want to stay stuck in the negative feelings about myself either - So I guess taking on no porn means taking on these ideas and emotions about myself as well as saying no to an addictive brain rush.

Hey adamant. Welcome to the group. I know what you mean about the triggers--feelings of frustration and worthlessness and porn and masturbation seem to offer an quick fix to deeper issues. let's beat this habit. Hang in there, man.

Sixth day
Its going well. Just noticed that my feelings of shame have probably affected me in the following way: I think I have been not willing to succeed in my work, because, unconsciously I don't think that someone who does what I did (porn addiction) should succeed. So how could I let myself succeed? I punish myself by failing

I know what you mean. I remember thinking the same way sometimes. About work and church and other places. It seems like everyone at work has everything together--they have no problems or addictions and if they do, it is something that involves a little dieting or exercise. But our problem is so personal and private that we can never talk about it. That is why this forum is so good for me. I NEVER talked about this before this forum. But, even though we may think of ourselves as worse than others, I don't think we should compare ourselves to others. And, I think that so often we operate by an automatic "karma" principle that our bad karma will (or should) result in bad results in life. But I have begun to try to look at things from a "grace" principle because, no matter how perfect a person may be, they are still in need of grace. Look at Jesus--he didn't mind dealing with prostitutes, thieves (tax collectors), and adulterers (Samaritan woman)--because he knew who needed his grace. You need grace, just like I do. But, you are much better off than the person who thinks he is good enough and deserves the world. We know we are not good enough. But, if you succeed in work, look at it as a bit of grace, not karma. I'm sorry to be so esoteric, but I hope this helps. Hang in there.

Mitch

adamant,

You said you think the urges are fueled by a sense of frustration - work, bills etc. You're right and that emotion could just as well be anger, resentment, a feelings of hurt, despair etc.

I think the subconscious looks for a payoff for putting up with these negative emotions that have been stirred by others. So it sends a message out - 'I want to feel good'. Memories of potent feel good fixes then begin to stir and may become manifest as urges at the subconscous level and thoughts at the conscious level.

I believe there are three ways of dealing with this:
1. Understand the psychology that this is self imprisonment and a path to self destruction that can be overcome.
2. Establish a sense of calm /peace / tranquility in every day living.
3. Cultivate a different 'feel good' source and make that the focus of attention to always turn to. The source should give us a sense of joy and fullfillment. If we are in a relationship, it should be in the love and warmth, sharing and caring, fun and affection derived from that. It may be in the general fun and laughter when with friends and family, in the simple beauty and sounds of the natural world that surrounds us, in stiring or peaceful words and music etc.

The higher self within seeks those two things [peace and joy] and subtly speaks, telling us when we are on the path to self destruction.

I'm sure we can break free if we refocus our emotions from the negative to the positive and cultivate a deep sense of joy to which we can turn all the time.

Steve

Hi it is day 12
Thanks Mitch and Steve for your useful and kind counsel. I have been on a camping vacation and so not in computer range.
Back at work - here seems to be where the focus of porn desire shows up. It is good to have this forum. So far it is going ok - I just keep reminding myself that this is a New Life for me - that entanglement in porn feels like life but has an empty and abandoned sense, and somehow the porn addiction space is not really alive - it feels to be, but then actually isn't. So now I sit in real life, and the anxiety and unclarity over how to proceed in the face of business failure and the need to support my family is just in my face.
However I have experienced many periods in my life when I overcame obstacles through a positive intent and commitment - so I am resolving to find that quality now. It is really feelings of failure and resentment that drive me most easily into the fabricated pseudo-world of porn.
One thing is clear to me - I am not going there any more
On this twelfth day I recall that the Indian spiritual master Meher Baba said that in order to break an old habit or addiction you must resist it 12 times. I don't think I have had 12 serious desires to break it since committing, and hopefully I won't - After all in the Lord's Prayer we say "and lead us not into temptation..." but if I do I am determined to overcome and turn 12 days into 12 months into 12 years and on...
Good luck to you all out there, and remember if you don't feel like resisting porn / sex addiction for yourself, resist it so that others may be more able to... I believe that our sincere efforts and achievements in this area can help millions of others who are ensnared, or unwittingly becoming so.

adamant you can be pretty encouraging. i just read your last post.. thnx for givin me hope :D

Thanks TriniYouth.
After my last post, it was evening and I had finished work. I was reading the news about that actor from 'Grey's Anatomy' who made a sex / nudity tape. My first impulse was to search or that tape. I didn't reason it as porn - and the search for porn - I was rationalizing that I was just watching the 'news'. As I began my search I remembered that this is how I had slipped back into porn previously - something salacious in the news - its not porn...yet. I stopped myself - and I have the feeling now that the enemy - the addictive intelligence - is actually quite cunning! The mind just caves under the pressure to open that familiar door - those enticing neuro-chemicals. So I have passed the threshold into day 13
Thank you all
Adam

Day 16
Interesting. whilst at work I met a woman, and I would say that there was a lot of attraction. For the second time in several months I have felt a mutual attraction to a woman that kind of surprised me. The feeling I had was that I could easily 'get' her if I want to. This started a cycle of fantasizing. I didn't use porn, but I engaged in some serious fantasizing about this woman. So it was kind of like porn - in my head. I am married and this is not part of my marriage commitment to my partner, that I can go and seduce other women. I am really glad that I didn't go to porn (Yea!) but it is a similar energy if I think about a woman that way, I mean I have a powerful imagination. I am wondering about not using my imagination to invent porn in my head? I mean that is just another aspect of the same fundamental addiction. I want to be more aware about this.

Hey adamant,

I really like your posts they are fascinating because you are really analyzing things. This is a good thing. I do the same things myself.

In my view, we all want good relationships and when you respect yourself by not abusing yourself and have a higher sense of morality your value as a person increases and also your happiness increases. I don't think it necessarily matters if you are rich or poor once you have your basic needs taken cared of. Happiness does not come from those things. It comes from doing your duty. It comes from following principle. Like the wise Solomon said, "fear god and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man." The whole point of life is to fear God, respect him and what he says and love it and do his commandments. This is what leads to happiness, doing your duty out of love. This is kind of heavy stuff so I don't want to say too much. But, I really like your posts, especially the one about how you noticed how your mind can be subtle and lead you on. Indeed, this has happened to me. So. I think one has to have a good standard but you are doing well, keep up the good fight. "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: but as He which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, 'Be ye holy; for I am holy.'"
- 1 Peter 1:13-16
Knowledge and wealth are great but above them is morality according to the Bible standard in my opinion is the only real way to live by the grace of God and his enabling power.

Good luck adamant!

Day 19
Thanks Huppim, I really like that quote from St. Peter, and I wasn't familiar with it.
"not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: but as He which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, 'Be ye holy; for I am holy." This idea of being Holy in all manner of conversation - This is worth thinking about - creating mental porn is a conversation in my head.
The last few days have been hard. I think I am no longer in the pink cloud that comes when one first takes a decision with conviction. Now the urges come again, with some force. I am not looking at porn, just the desire is strong in moments. These moments are interesting. In this moment of desire it seems that porn is the best possible thing. It promises to ease all my stress, boredom, irritation, feeling unloved by my wife, anxiety about money ...whatever. And in that moment of temptation it seems like the most logical and reasonable thing to look at porn again. Of course it isn't actually logical to get re-immersed in a gripping addiction at all, its totally crazy, I just have to write this to remind myself. I am not giving up my addiction because all my problems will go away if I do, but because at least one problem will go away: the problem of spending2-4-6-8 hours staring at images and masturbating into oblivion, as my self respect ebbs away. Well I feel a little better for having written that.
I am a sugar junky. Over the years i upgraded it to 'healthier' sugars, but basically I was still having fruit juices, sweetened tea and coffee, chocolate etc everyday. I have cut way back. I think it actually is helping the porn urge - I am also a little less emotionally reactive now that I am eating way less sweet stuff. I think porn for me is an infantile satisfaction, it used to give me a 'fix' probably not unlike a child breastfeeding. Sweets likewise. It seems to fit being porn / masturbation sober not to constantly indulge the sweet craving; somehow it is a stand that I will be less childish.

Noticing the angry pouting part of my personality. I really have a strong part of me that doesn't give a shit. This part has no standards, it likes to cheat and sneak. It is up right now. If I let it run me, that is if I ascent to that part taking the wheel, then I will steer quickly back to porn.
On the other hand, and paradoxically, adamant doesn't let himself have much fun. If my wife and I went out and had more fun I would get laid more. I think a strategy for getting sober with porn has to involve me finding other avenues of enjoyment. So I am making a commitment right now to having more fun with her, taking her out etc.

I believe that if one makes a deep soul effort, then one's intentions, in any area of life, can much more easily be fulfilled. SO I am declaring that I want, out of this effort to find sobriety, a more balanced life, a flourishing career, more ease with money, a life that is more whole (Holy!). I am seeing it forming in front of me, in my mind's eye, and I am feeling grateful for it NOW.
I will prevail, because 10 years in an addiction is enough, and I want to stop now.

Adamant,

I appreciate your honesty in your posts. I think your plans to end your 10 year addiction sound good. I know exactly what you feel about there being two sides. I think we all have this "gollum" thing. When you said, I have this side of me that doesn't give a shit, I realized that that is exactly what I feel like when I feel the urge to masturbate and look at porn and I know it's not good, but I don't care. I want to do it and I really don't care--about my wife, my career, my God, or anything. But, I think God has been teaching me that this kind of nihilistic "don't give a shit" attitude will destroy me and everything worthwhile in my life. Why didn't I see that before? I think because, like you, I do have a part that wants to do what I want to do. Thanks for your candid post. Keep it up.

Mitch

you know mr. adamant it is so interesting that you mention all that stuff that stuggle that you feel it is just like what the apostle paul talks about in the book of romans how you want to do good but you just cant figure out how to go about it. the sinful nature inside all of us is trying to have absolute control. when eve ate from the tree of the nowledge of good and evil we got this evil nature inside of us and i agree with you the other day i myself knowing better ate way more than what i should have appetite and passion those are the killers those are the ones that need controling anger lust envy etc and appetite eating intemperately eating the wrong things you know being an addict to things that are really of no value like smoking or a highfat diet or coffee which is a stimulant but with no health benefits in the bible it talks about how the land is blessed when the princes eat for strength and not for drunkeness and this is what i want because although some may not believe it it leads to real joy contentment happiness security for the future and eternal life we all want to be happy yet we are trapped in this body that enjoys evil so what is the solution it seems like we need the power of god within us today for example i broke some of my rules like going to bed on an empty stomach and going to bed at a good time to get good sleep and eating way too much and intemperately and when i read your post i was really touched by it because it is the struggle i was having today know the good yet doing the evil i said to myself i am not going to eat that chocolate cake and when i left the store i was at i ate it so i am kind of upset by that because it was intemperate i should have done better also when i go to bed in this fashion the demon succubus attacks me so i don't even know if i will be going to bed tonight i am trying to figure a good way to strengthen my body mind and soul or spirit to improve myself mentally physically and spiritually to live a life of service to be a minister to others this has to be by adoption of right and good habits and principles i am trying figure all this stuff for myself i try to eat twice a day of good vegetarian food i am a vegetarian i do not excersise i do it for a while then i quit i need to do that i do not drink as much water as i should i have a nutrition book and i have made some menus but i have not been consistent with it i have a good relationship with god i read alot about religious things and this helps me but i want to find that upward road that straight and narrow path that the bible talks about i want to find it daniel prayed three times a day i don't really know how to pray although i do not think i am all that bad at it but it is something i have not done like daniel did three times i know studying your bible in the morning and in the evening is important i think in the old jewish economy they use to do morning and evening sacrifices to atone for the sins of the people. so putting all the pieces of the puzzle together is not an easy task being victorious is not an easy task yet it is not difficult it is easy i think if you have power within you to do it the power of god through is word and a living connection with god and good relationship with god perhaps we should have times specifically assigned to be with god in prayer in bible study as did daniel and this will help us we need to include god into our lives and not try to do it all ourselves we need god in our lives getting up in the morning and studying your bible for a good two hours and then during the middle of the day studying again the bible on an empty stomach or near empty stomach is best and then again before going to bed reading the word of god let god make your sleep pleasant with his conforting spirit then do it again the next day wake up with god have lunch with god and go to bed with god i do not really do this but i think if it worked for daniel it should work for me too will doing this make you less happy i don't think so they should not if we do gods commandments he will bless us. as long as you have god in your thoughts that should be sufficient but studying the word is good and god does not mind if you are ambitious to grow spiritually but all progress is the blessing of god on our efforts without god we are nothing without his blessing we get nothing but trouble.

well, its day 53.
I havn't used porn. I am sorry that I stopped posting for a while. What is true for me is that I am completely committed to no longer use pornography. I realized also that it is important not to engage in 'internal porn'. What I mean by that is not to engage in extended periods of fantasy in my mind. This actually makes it easier. I am having to let go of the idea / feeling that if I don't have some aspect of sexual arousal then I am somehow 'not alive'. It is hard for me to just say yes to reality sometimes. Reality is often tedious or boring. Can I say yes to that? or do I have to dress it up with excitement? It's an open question for me right now.

I have to say that it does get easier with time. In the past I have let porn go for maybe a month or 40 days at most. What got me started again was a feeling of "well...why not, I will just look a little, its been so long ..I need it a little" As a recovering porn and masturbation addict I can tell you that for ten years a little would invariably turn into a lot. So I am reminding myself that this time (NOW) I will not fall into that trap.

Porn and fantasies of sex are unrealities. Surely we can only find God by embracing what God has given us - This exact reality - as it is. Obviously God allows temptation and sin to exist. I think God wants us to find out who we really are, and maybe a big part of that for many of us is mucking around in who we are not. It hurts. I am sure everyone reading this can recognize in their heart of hearts that when you do an addiction you feel icky - less than that bright pure child you were born as. Less than your best self, less than your conscience. So what then are we to do with our weaknesses? Study them, resolve to overcome them and take action now. We can't get back the past, we can just ask for forgiveness. We can't really know the future, but Now is the only time we can take action actually. If I choose to spend Now in a pretend state - looking at an image and generating a story to jack off to - then I squander my only real freedom - the freedom to choose to live in reality without 'make-believe'. 'As the New Testament says: "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Corinthians 10

One thing that has been I think useful is that I stopped eating sweet foods. It has not been easy or pleasant as I have always had a sweet tooth and been a chocoholic. But it has made me much calmer, which I think has helped me stay more level headed with my intention not to use porn or masturbation.

One thing I have to say - my self-esteem is actually no better than before. I wish it was, and that I didn't suffer these feelings of uselessness or despair or shame which sometimes grip me. I think in the past I went back to the porn because I thought - "well, what's the point ...I still feel bad and the porn makes me feel better" . Now I am taking the view that that is another trap. I am willing to study the process and commit and use my will, and I don't know if or when that will improve, but I won't let it take me out! I am staying in the inquiry and I am staying committed.

Good luck all