Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Adamant, great going. It is encouraging to hear how it is going. I appreciate your honesty. Though I have not masturbated and looked for porn for 70 days, it still is a struggle. I know what you mean about the "internal" pornography and about the way that it is a false reality. But, even though it makes us feel ashamed when we do, if we're honest, we like that false reality. Sometimes I think the reason this is so attractive to me is that my own world is often too small. God created us to be part of a much larger reality and I am often so caught up in my own self-centered desires. Self-esteem is a hard one because there are so many factors involved. But, I think if we are living for God and for others more, then we won't be so consumed with ourselves and our deficiencies. I think you are doing great--keep it up.

Mitch

I just counted my days, I guess I counted incorrectly before - I am at day 55 - Aug 04 until today.

I hit a moment today, when I really wanted to go there. It is amazing how fast and intense and compelling the urge can be. Suddenly it seems like the best idea. Remembered this foggy notion of my commitment, felt the enormity of this little desire. Just a little - just a look it says. It lies, because in 10 years of porn addiction that little always turns into a lot. It is amazing to realize that I am not one person yet. I am this person committed and with noble aspirations, and I am this person so easily moving back to porn. Which one am I now? How to put me in control of these sub-personalities?

I was exposed to hardcore porn and an incestuous relationship with my sister at a young age. So sure, my antenna is tweaked. My Dad was off having affairs etc. So the programming is there. But I am in charge now - I just need to remind myself of this on this forum. I declare that I am in charge of whether or not I use porn any more, and I am now choosing to heal that addictive part of me.

It isn't always easy. It is interesting that it is in moments, as hard as it ever was to say No to that impulse. Yet I know I can and I declare to myself that I will do this. The moment passes. I can do this!

Good luck and strong will everybody!

P.S. I earlier tried to reply to a few posts but for some reason it didn't get posted. I guess I will cut and post this in case it doesn't go through and I have to post it again.

That's great, Adamant. I think you are doing well. I know exactly what you mean about how quickly and powerfully the urges can come. You have come so far and I think that God is really working in and through you. And you are an encouragement to us as well. I had a father who was faithful and no unusual sexual relationships, but I think we all live with our past experiences. But, by God's grace, we don't need to stay there and there is healing. Stay strong--we're in this fight together.

Mitch

Here is something I think it is important to discuss. I define my sobriety as freedom from using porn and freedom from masturbating until I ejaculate.
Porn is an external image. My sexuality is sometimes very strong and that seems to trigger internal images. I feel that it is ok for me to masturbate, provided that I don't entertain a porn movie of my own imagining and then ejaculate. In this way, when the desire for sex is very strong I can masturbate, and feel my own sexuality, and feel good about it, and then stop. Basically if I entertain internal imagery as I do this, then I am cheating. If I stay with my body sensations, and stay conscious, then I am not breaking my sobriety. For me, when I do this I don't want to ejaculate, (even though that genital part of me really does, if you know what I mean). So I don't ejaculate, at some point I breath the sexual energy up my spine, focus on my breath, and then I feel fine. Strong in fact.
The truth is that the desire to masturbate is generated by for example seeing an attractive woman or having some sexual thoughts. The trick for me I think is in acknowledging those images as they arise in my mind, but going back to the physical sensations of my body, and not entertaining those images.
How do others on this forum define their sobriety?

adamant,

For me, the definition of sobriety is abstinence - refraining from indulging an appetite. What is the appetite here? It's the sexual appetite to go through the process which culminates in the release of 'feel good' chemicals in the brain. That process is conducted by the excitation of one's genital organs - in this instance, not by sexual intercourse but by manual contact. In both cases, that indulgence of the sexual appetite for that purpose [of 'feeling good'] can be served with or without ejaculation. Therefore, my sobriety is refraining from the self indulgence of masturbation full stop. Taking ejaculation out of the equation would nullify the definition of masturbation in my view - the object of the self indulgence [which is to 'feel good' from the chemical release in the brain.] So we either choose to have sex with our loved one or ourselves.

Watching porn feeds that sexual arousal process ... therefore it's circular - one [usually self] indulgence feeding the other.

A question for you: in your last paragraph, you said that you weren't entrertaining those images or thoughts; you qualified that by saying: 'in the body' and releasing the image. Yet it was those very images or thoughts that got you aroused to the point where you wanted to masturbate and then did so. The point I'm making is that if you had not indulged [in the resultant masturbation] then you would not have entertained the image / thought. Surely by acting on the imgae / thought, by allowing them to arouse your senses in the first place to the point that you felt the need to masturbate was 'entertaining them', whether you subsequemtly let them go or not before focusing on your body.

Adamant,

An interesting and honest email that I can relate to. It certainly is important to keep our minds clear of fantasizing and I think sometimes we can masturbate without images. Like, you said, we just concentrate on meeting those powerful physical desires. I have used the same argument with myself many times. I think that for you this might be a possible option, at least until you are married, but for me I have found that if I start masturbating without ejaculating, I find my mind refuses to rest until I satisfy those desires. Also, I think that I have a hard time separating my body from my mind--I guess I don't have that much self-control. Images come to mind even without me wanting them there. I don't have any easy answers, but I wanted you to know that I have also struggled with these same issues.

Mitch

Day 58 no porn, no masturbation with fantasy, no ejaculation

Hi Steve, thanks for your response. I think that basically you are right, in defining sobriety as refraining from the act of masturbation which excites feel good brain chemicals, whether or not it is connected to ejaculation. I guess that for me the 'addictive' and therefore damaging part of this whole equation was the compulsive us of porn leading to a spiral of porn + masturbation. This is where I felt the 'demon' take me over. Masturbation without a lot of fantasy is way less addictive for me. I don't want to do it until ejaculation, I don't want to do it every day, but I do sometimes want to do it. When I do, it does feel ok.
So I guess I am defining the addiction based on harm.
The reality, and I believe Steve that it is basically true - that all masturbation is an attempt to feel good, therefore still caught in the trap, is probably so. But I do not feel ready or committed to having no sexual experience. My wife does not want to make love more than once every 3 months or so. , I do not want to commit adultery, or leave her, as I love her and we have a good relationship. I don't want to, really don't want to, use porn again, or indulge in endless fantasy. So I am willing to sometimes let myself feel the sexual energy. I can see that an evolutionary step is probably to let the whole attachment to sexual feelings go completely. I just am not there yet.
I think there is an analogy to eating here. For a month I didn't eat sweets, or anything sweet. It was not easy. When my one month commitment was over I let myself eat some sweet food again, but the impulse is to reign in my sweet tooth, not to indulge the way I used to. A strict analysis of my dietary needs would conclude that I don't need any sweets ever, but that seems too harsh. I am looking for the middle ground of moderation.
I know that for me there is no moderation with porn. I accept that now. I will probably always be a recovering porn addict. I have a long history of losing that middle ground to obsession. But I also feel that there has to be a place for my sexuality, free from obsession and fantasy. Sexuality is part of my male energy and appetite. What is moderation? What is balance?

Adamant,

I understand better where you are coming from a little better now. First of all, it might be a male thing, but I think making love once every three months is not enough. Particularly if you have the desire, she needs to be more open to responding to you. I think that perhaps during rare periods one might go without for a month or two or three, but I don't think that is not too healthy all the time. I admire your desire to be faithful to her and to partially fulfill your desire without ejaculating, but I think the root of the problem is that your natural desires for your wife that God gave you are not being adequately met. I think your lack of bitterness and faithfulness shows your integrity and character, but I also think you might want to talk to your wife about this. She loves you and therefore should care about how her infrequency of sexual intimacy is affecting you. I'm sorry if there are circumstances that exist that I don't know about, but I think that every 3 months is too seldom for you.

Mitch

Well day 72 I blew it. Not with porn, thank you God, I did not use porn, but I did go there in my mind. So it is 73 days no porn, and day 0 for no masturbation with fantasy.
I'm actually just really glad i didn't do the porn, because the desire was really there again. But I have not yet mastered the addiction.
So I am recommitting to no masturbation with fantasy. I want to do this to see where it takes me. THere must be improvement from here.

day 87.
I looked at porn for two minutes. Then I woke up to my self-sabotage and stopped. I just didn't want the suffering that comes after the pleasure. I think I didn't really want to feel triumphant. My ego gets carried away with how special I am. So I am where I am with it. I am still (maybe every 2 weeks) going into masturbation with fantasy in my mind. I want to find out what its like to not do that when the urge comes over me. Otherwise I am just shifting the addiction from porn on the computer to porn in my mind. ANd really it is the same thing.
So it is day 0 and my commitment is no porn use, and no indulging in mental porn.

You've done really well Adamant. I don't seem to be able to get past the 10 -14 day period these days. Once I was able to stop for about a 2 months but something happened and I fell back into the lifestyle. But we have to keep on trying. I can see no alternative but to battle against the addiction and try to do better next time. I am now going to start again with abstaining and this is day 1. I know it will be hard and painful but it must be done.

Well
I got to 100 days, and then I blew it! Right back to porn and masturbation. I had set 100 days as the goal, and with regard to online porn and masturbating I managed to meet that goal. It was really good, looking back on it, to do that. I didn't know I could, but I really wanted to break the addiction of hours online masturbating. Once 100 days was up I wanted to go there again. So I went once. ANd then twice, and then etc. Its like that old saying about alcoholic - first a man takes a drink, then the drink takes another drink, then the drink takes the man. I have used online porn and masturbated four times since that 100 day mark and I recognize that I am back at square one. Only difference is that I know I can stop it for 100 days. This forum was very useful for supporting that, so I am going to recreate my commitment, but this time for 10,000 days. Why not. It is really the same thing, stopping for 100 days or for 100 years. Stopping is stopping. I will post how this goes. Today is day 2. My commitment is no porn with masturbation, and no in-my-head porn movies.
Here is what I know works so far:
1/ Know I can do it
2/ make a strong commitment
3/ remember that with God's help - this is a new day
4/ remember that it won't help! clicking that mouse button - typing in that search query - etc it won't help me to feel happier, better
5/ Remember it is a belief, just a belief - that I need it, must have it blah blah blah - I made that stuff up!
6/ Going to bed earlier and meditating and praying - to get into a state of spiritual communion
7/ remember the end at the beginning - At the beginning is the endorphin rush - but at the end is exhaustion, self disgust, guilt, regret, remorse, being stuck in my head
8/ Pleasure is ok - find a healthy avenue and experience some pleasure
9/ remember that the sex energy is a fuel - it can generate mental strength, charisma, insight, creativity, et - if I let it be
10/ remember I am going to die - do i want to die in the regret / craving / regret of the porn addict?
11/ share about it when it gets difficult - give the hands and eyes something else to do
12/ remember that if I can resist an addictive urge - then how many 100's or thousands of others can be helped also - it is the 100'th monkey effect - So as I win others can win
13/ Let it end with me! My grandfather was a sex addict - and I bet he inherited it as well. Let it end with me now, so that my children and my grandchildren don't have to deal with this struggle. I believe that many of these urges and addictions are family karmas. I must overcome them for others.
Good luck everyone else!

Adamant,

That's awesome that you made it 100 days! I have yet to achieve that. I know what you mean about when you go back--like a dog returning to his vomit...as scripture says. I like your list...and your new goal. 10,000 days--what is that like 30 some years? You're the man! Seriously, though, you are an inspiration to us. Keep it up.

Mitch

Day 5.
It occurred to me to count how many times I am seriously tempted in a day, and then note it on this site. It is a way of 'tagging' the urge, pointing out to myself that it is not a small issue, if I want to 'just' look a 'little'. It is a serious attempt to unravel myself as a man.
sunday 06 1 urge - I could look and then just immediately stop - said my mind. Interesting what kind of a lie my behavior proves that idea to be. So I will lie to myself - do I believe it? do I act on it? Or do I act on the truth, which is that i am an addict looking for a fix that will scar me. I just read an article about heroin addicts unable after a few years to find a vein which isn't scarred up by needles. Does my soul have similar scars, not visible to the normal eye?

day 06
at 7 pm it seems like the most harmless and useful idea to look at porn - and it occurs that it would be powerfully stress removing - hmmm curiously delusional but insistent little voice.
Am using this post to NOT go there
thanks all