Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

I use to watch porn once in a while with my husband. That led me to going through a time where I was compulsive about it myself. Almost leading toward an addiction or habit. Thankfully, I found my self respect and stopped watching. I finally admitted that I was participating in something that was exploiting women...mostly young women and even men and young men. I saw how dehumanising and perhaps outright evil it was. I felt so free because I had wallowed in this for about 3 months during a long break up with my now husband.

My husband has always watched porn...but his habit has become so overwhelming since he was laid off 7 months ago, although even before the lay off...it was interfering with our relationship. He watches it daily for long periods with a lot of alcohol. It's not uncommon for me to come home and he is drunk and has porn on or was just watching it. Then he wants me to become a porn star and all that usually happens is oral sex, him receiving...because penetration is difficult when a guys' been drinking. It is impersonal and role plays.
We had a break up and just recently reconciled. He threw away his whole porn collection. He actually told me that he also felt it was exploiting woman and dehumanising. I was so elated when he said that. I was so excited to think of a life without that in our home. It was so bad he would forget to put it away before the kids came over for their visit. I was becoming so overwhelmed and intimidated by it.
Well, his new found convictions were short lived and 2 weeks later he started watching it again...but this time on the internet. We recently got the internet so he could look for a job. I saw the signs. and the cookies. It took all the wind from my wings. Deflated and defeated. I started feeling tempted by it too and browsed and I watched it with my husband twice. I know that in someways by doing that I was filling the gap that was once filled by all our fun activities that we use to do. Falling prey to the allure of porn again made me feel a huge sadness for being weak. I hated that feeling and renewed my vows to not have that in my life. Although, I didn't make any ultimations with my husband about him watching.
I came home today and he was on the internet as he usually is almost everyday, and he had joined this horrible horrible site that is so awful to the girls in it. So demeaning and rough. It's disgusting and I'm so angry and hurt. But I feel somewhat responsible because I had watched with him just recently.
I don't know. Can I help him without feeling tempted myself? I hate how it makes me feel and I don't want to come home to it or him in the midst of it anymore. I want the freedom I found when it was completely out of my life. I told him today that his porn habit was making me feel very insecure and inadequate. He didn't seem to care how it made me feel. He just yelled, called me names and told me he was sick of me and my trying to control him.
Do I leave behind my marriage vows in order to get this out of my life? I read through the other stories and have researched this topic...people don't just grow out of it or leave it behind. I use to think people became kinder, stronger, more honest, more convicted as they got older. That's not always true. Some people appear to be trapped in this nightmare for their entire lives. I don't think I can balance this situation at home. I need help or advise?

Share1lovelight,

Isn't it ironic that he calls you controlling yet doesn't perceive that there is something else controlling him that is even closer.

It's his subconscious that recalls the source of pleasure and it does that initially to fill a perceived need that's been triggered. But that's the problem - the subconscious can't rationalise and will serve up the remembrance of that source of pleasure whenever a trigger is tripped. That can become circular and result in complusion / addiction which is damaging, negative behaviour.

It debases the human character of both the watcher and the watched. It brings something that should be natural and shared in the context of a loving relationship down to something that is artificial, unnatural and self serving. lt brings it down to an animalistic level of behaviour or even less.

When he once had had something to lose that was precious to him, he saw it for what it really was and did something positive about it.
Its going to have to be confronted one way or another. If you're successful in getting him to see all this, can you get him to agree that you will put a filter on the computer that only you can over-ride? Better still can you and he live without a computer in the home?

Thanks for your reply Steve,

I hadn't thought of it that way...but that is very profound. Something is controlling him that far exceeds any controlling influence I might have. Infact, I find all your comments very helpful and enlightening. I recognize also what you say about the subconcious and triggers. I appreciate your comments very much.
The filter is a great idea...I will ask him. We talked last night and he acknowledged his problem and I acknowledged my problems which is a first step...maybe into a 12 step program. I think we both drink too much and we could benefit from really taking a long hard look at ourselves and our habits.
One thing I do know. I love this man. Last night I didn't feel close to him until we talked. I kept imagining leaving so I wouldn't have to deal with it or be the recipient of the actions of the depraved state it leaves one in. When he acknowledged the problem it meant a great deal. His follow through will be what means the most.
Thanks again for you words.

Take Care!

It's hard to follow through madam, that's the whole problem. Even if your husband says that he's going to leave porn forever, and even if at that moment he really means it, doesn't mean that he'll be able to follow through. The habits are internalized and they'll repeat themselves when the conditions are favorable. He might be able to control one time, then another but he'll give in sooner or later. Firstly, he needs to really feel that he's ruining his and his family's life. He can understand this only if realizes where he'll end up if he continues this. Secondly, he needs to be really honest with you. [This will happen only if the first is true.] And thirdly, he needs to join SA or some other group or seek professional help.