Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Hi all...first let me say that after reading a lot on this forum, I don't feel so alone.

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years now. When we were dating he had a porn channel, which he seemed embarassed about when I found it. He said it was just a "bachelor thing" and cancelled the channel, and we laughed it off. We talked about porn and how it can be so detrimental to a relationship and he agreed and told me I had nothing to worry about. During our marriage now I've found him watching porn on TV or porn on the internet on five occasions. He always blames me. We don't have intercourse enough for him is his constant excuse. Granted, I do have some sexual issues - sex can be very painful for me, and as a result I of course tend to avoid it, however, we've had many discussions and I'm open to counseling and trying different things. I know sex is very important in a marriage, so until recently despite my anger over the porn, I've blamed myself. He says he'd rather have me, but that I "don't want him", despite the fact that I'm working on my issues.

Now I'm starting to realize that he's the one with the problem. He hides it, he lies about it, and when confronted he gets angry and lashes out at me. In my mind, viewing and masturbating to porn is basically the same as infidelity, and divorce has entered my mind. All trust is gone. After a huge blowout yesterday over it, where he had every opportunity to come clean, today I found he hadn't cleaned off the computer very well. He completely looked me in the eye and lied, even after he agreed that the only way through our problems is absolute truth. I have no idea of the magnitude of his addiction - and after looking over the quiz questions I do believe he has a real problem.

Even if he admits to his problem and gets help, how do you EVER find trust again??? As much as the porn hurts me, the lying hurts 100 times worse...

I think you are right to feel angry and hurt. Your husband needs to admit that he does not have this pornography and masturbation under control. But I also know from experience that this is a really difficult issue. He may be lashing out because he doesn't want to give up something that has become attached to. Men are often very attached to physically stimulation and it is hard to let go. I also know that lying about porn and masturbation is something that is almost automatic to many of us. Would he be open to talking to a counselor or pastor or someone, either with or without you? If he truly loves you, he should want to change. But, as a man, I can honestly say that it is sometimes difficult for me to admit I need help. Your husband needs to know that you respect him, at that you want to trust him wholeheartedly. I hope and pray that you can work this out.

Agreed with Mitch..that being said that anger is the biggest emotion that will deter you and him. Take a few days to find a better way to approach it without anger. If you focus on changing him, you will not be successful. It has to come from him. After I got caught/admitted to my issues it was easier after a few time. But now when I slip into my denial role, its very hard to see the truth. He needs to want to change. Ask him what is more important. Let me know how it turns out.

When I discovered I'd been lied to about my fiancee's primary relationship (mastubating and porn), I went online and found a very helpful site - sexualcontrol.com. The focus isn't so much on assigning blame as it is on healing and rebuilding trust in the relationship. Check it out. I'm interested in what you think. If anyone out there knows of any other helpful sources, let us know what they are,
Thanks.

I am a husband (married 2.5 years also), and I have lied to my wife (sadly) many times about being addicted to porn. And like Mitch said - it is a very difficult problem to deal with. I know for me, the following thought crosses my mind concerning my wife..."well, if she finds out about this whole porn thing, then she will leave me, because she knows there are other men out there who don't have this problem - so I better not tell her". For men, porn and masturbation are taboo topics too...we as men don't like to be seen as failures. But if we have a problem, whatever that may be, we are failures. So - again, we don't admit for another reason.
I can never understand how you would feel as a wife when your husband has let you down. I've heard from own wife and others a feeling described as terrible and "dirty". But I would say - you need to have lots, and lots, and lots, and then more love and patience for your husband to change - if you are married, this is what you signed up for - that is what a marriage is. Lots of sacrifice.
As for the divorce thing, I feel that as long as someone else is not involved in his addiction, then it is a personal problem - and personal difficulties are a part of marriage - in whatever form they come. If divorce is a thought (after 2.5 years is very little time to allow for serious character changes), but maybe you should consider separation before divorce. Divorce is giving up - and 2.5 years is a VERY short time to give up...your husband (if his life progresses normally) has years and years to change.
I can also say that for me, having sex with my wife reminds me that she loves me and cares about me. If we don't have sex often enough (honestly, at least 1X a week), I begin to feel that she is not taking my desires into consideration. (There are many articles out there that can describe the man's sexual response, including what happens when testosterone builds up in the blood because of a lack of "release"). This would go beyond physical pain - there are many things we could do to enjoy each other besides "sex".
So...it sounds like the 2 of you need some kind of extra-marital help - just like every other married couple out there - we ALL need help - that is the nature of relationships.
I hope you don't give up on your husband - even after lying and continuing in his addiction. I agree, it's no way to live (for you or him), but he needs help - and since you are his spouse, you are his best friend - even if he lies to you. He needs your wisdom and help more now than ever