Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

My husband is addicted to porn and masturbation. I've known this since we met and were first living together... but I don't think he believes there is anything wrong with it. I'd leave for work and he'd masturbate... until I forgot something and caught him. I've caught him several other times and by his choice he got rid of the porn, etc. One of the last times I caught him he had left his "bag of tricks" in the garage - about a year ago. I found mags and a vibrator (for the first time). When confronted, he said he was using it on himself... threw everything out, etc. We RARELY (maybe 10 times in 7 years?) ever have sex without him popping in a movie and it's gotten to the point where we only have sex maybe 1 time per week. I have to say that I'm not opposed to porn or toys but I'd like to use them together... in moderation. I've been really suspicious lately and have been snooping around more. Yesterday I found over 10 anal toys, mounds of magazines and dvds in our garage in the rafters (I'm extremely scared of heights so a perfect place for hiding them). Then last night I walked down the hall and saw the tv reflection of porn in a picture in our room. When he saw me he turned it off and I acted like I didn't see it. A normal person would think that he'd initiate me for sex? Nope, he was back in the garage with his toys again this morning.

I have no problem with him masturbating on occassion but I just know that he's never going to stop having his secret....If I confront him he will just throw everything away, find a new hiding place and start buying things again. I don't think he's cheating on me but finding all of this stuff has me really concerned... now I'm monitoring his online usage and cell phone calls. Nothing is weird yet but it's turned me into a freak. I just figure, if he can lead this "double-life", what else is he capable of doing? I can't sleep any more and when he gets up in the morning I know what he is doing while I'm still "asleep".

Should I confront him? It's REALLY bothering me.... I can't think of anything but this. Thanks for your input!!

HI there,

I think this should be confronted because it’s clearly not going to go away and it has really started to bother you – very understandably so.
I see that you have confronted him previously but you didn’t get much of a response - in fact you've seen the extent of his deviousness following the confrontation. You wouldn’t get a positive, lasting response because in his addiction he has other objects of desire with himself at the centre of it. From what you say, he totally ingratiates himself. He’s addicted to making love to himself. So first of all, get him to see that and admit it. His addictions are all about wanting to make himself feel good and he will find that desire progressively difficult to fullfill. He needs to see that too.
Next you need to establish from him where he places you in this relationship? Where do you think he places you?
If he thinks anything of you, he will see his utter selfishness and make proposals to try to change and change for good. For your part, I think you should tell him that you’re not prepared to tolerate his utterly selfish and devious behaviour anymore; that it's caused by an addiction; give him some ultimatums and be prepared for a few showdowns. If you don’t, you may as well throw in the towel now.

I've said all that because I really don't think there is a half way house, especially considering the extent of the addictions. I think history will just repeat itself if any concessions are made. As such, I think he may need professional help to overcome them and to live without them. You need to think all that through.

I sincerely hope for your sake that he sees the light.

Best wishes

I'm sort of there with you "confused" as I recently just found out by putting two and two together. I found other e-mail addresses used to receive porn updates. Not to mention the masterbating in rooms while me and our son are home. The revelation shook me hard. Especially since I didn't know the length of time until I discovered an ID login to one of the sites with "2005" in it. He tried excuses such as I had changed when we moved, and our getting married young and he just wanted to explore. I didn't accept those excuses and he agreed that this is something he has to address. I will be there to support him. In our case, the sex was great. A little longer than usual which was from the masterbation. I picked up on this and researched what over-masterbating can eventually do. Sabatage his sexual performance and sometimes permanently. This next sensitive "talk" will have to occur eventually if he cannot control the masterbation. I don't expect it will stop but it needs to have boundaries (for this next phase).

If he is not willing to help himself address the issues then maybe therapy is the next step. My spouse even suggested this. I will admit we are early into the now recent discovery and it could go sour. I too am willing to be supportive of any progress made. The porn I'm not so worried about as the e-mail addresses proved that most of the updates weren't even opened and read. It's purely a visual fantasy thing. I get it. I will be more aware of the situation.

I went through the spinning out of control looking for something that my gut instinct kept telling something was wrong and actually got to the core of the matter. It took some time and sloppiness by him. I can honestly say that I don't know of any relapse yet or if he tried to control this before. We are where we are and trying to do the best we can. We've been married almost 18 year and have a child to think about. I put my foot down and let him know I will not see our son go through anything uncomfortable that has something to do with what you cannot control as this is not fair to him or me.

I used the same exact phrase "double-life" when I found the other e-mail addresses with totally different names. I even asked him "who am I with right now? xxxx or xxxx?" That really made him think. How do I trust you now? We're in reconciliation now. Looking at computer software for the web site visits as our child will be on the computer more in the future. Also, he even addressed therapy as a possibility.

Sounds like your guy is relapsing into his fantasy world. It's hurting you more as it makes you spin out of control looking for more answers. He seems to have an incredible urge to go to fantasy-land often leaving you at a distance. You can't fix it and you can't keep ignoring it either. If he is not willing to get help then purely for yourself maybe you speaking with a therapist first could be a start. Maybe by seeing you do this could prompt him to go as well. Go as individuals and then as a couple when the time is right. Sounds like he has some deeper issues that he has not released to you. Believe me I will have us seek therapy if some sort of progress is not made. I expect the progress will be slow but forthcoming. And if no progress is made I may have to take myself out of the equation as I cannot continue to live on the edge because he can't put fantasy-land aside.

Those are just my thoughts. You do what is best for you. You appear to have already gone through a lot already. I hope your heart can cope. Good luck and keep the communication open even if it is through a web site. The more you talk about it the answer will come to you as to what needs to be done. I am figuring this out as well.

hello conusedgurrl,
I can only tell you what I know from being married to someone like your husband for 20 years- this is no cake walk and if left unchecked can and will reach ridiculous, unheard of extremes. My husband esculated to using his own image in mirrors-seems to be his preferance lately.
When you find yourself snooping and digging, trust your gut you know its there. There is an addiction slowly taking over and it has to do with a chemical in the brain..the more they do it the more they need it. And just like the alcoholic, who eventually finds out there is no such thing as 'controlled drinking' the sex addict will eventually have to admit theres no room for 'controlled masturbation'.
The effects on the spouse of a sex addict are devistating..I've been through it all. To be married to one of these guys means you will always have doubts wether he is being honest..how far has it gone etc. etc...and everytime they tell the 'sincere' lie that they'll never do it again you want to believe them sooo bad..and so you do. They are the best sincerest liers in the world..it will drive you crazy, destroy your self esteem and eventually isolate you from friends and family if allowed.
The best advice I have for you is to set some very firm boundries for yourself right now and stick to them..be prepared to follow through with them as well- good luk