Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

I was doing really well (except for the little to no sex but running is an okay substitute;) For the past almost 2 years we've been co-parenting and our schedules are set up so that we rarely spend time together. It was a functional, well run business. Now he's decided he wants to get clean and is dragging me back down into the cesspool. And he's holding me emotionally hostage...he says that he needs an *incentive* and apparently that's what I'm supposed to be? That's a lot of pressure. It's stirring up a lot of ugly stuff and I'm not sure I can handle it right now. More importantly, I don't want to handle it, I'm tired of it. It's his effing problem and I'm just not sure I can bothered. I know that sounds callous but this has been going on for nearly 10 years now. It was about 10 years ago that I realized he had an issue with porn and we've only been married 14 years. And quite frankly I'm still not comfortable making that judgment call...I don't know if he's an addict or not. What I do know is that I have a very violent physical reaction to porn...I shake, I start sweating, my heart starts racing...it makes me very uncomfortable. I've seen things that have made me nauseous. My chief complaint was the money spent on it and then later it was his timing...his boundaries were off and he had lost discretion. He would watch inappropriate stuff, not necessarily porn, while home alone with the kids and the computer has always been in a public area.

Should I pretend? That's kinda what I've been doing here lately...trying to be supportive etc because that's what I'm supposed to do but the reality is I think it's too little too late and I just don't have the need, desire or inclination to put in an ounce of effort. I was just hoping to get the kids squared away before I walked out. We've always joked that we haven't divorced because neither one of us wants custody and I think there is a definite grain of truth to that. Or is there a nice way for me to say this? I have issues with being too honest, too blunt and he is very sensitive, iykwim. I told him once that the porn use may very well be *normal* but the lying about it and hiding it isn't and his response was to look at me with big sad blue eyes and say with a trembling voice "Are you saying there's something wrong with me?"

So, he's read some stuff on the internet. He's installed CE and has me set up as his accountability partner. He's trying to talk to me about his feelings and such and I am just not really able to respond in kind. I find myself saying what I think he wants to hear because it's easier than telling him the truth. And I don't want to take that precious *incentive* away because I'll admit I love not having porn in the house. I still feel like a prisoner but it's getting a little bit better. I told him that he should probably find someone to talk to and he says he's afraid but he doesn't know why. He says he watched a program about PA on TV and it made him feel better about himself and I tried to explain about how people have different *rock bottoms* and he spaced out on me so I dropped it. And I'm really tired of him saying he doesn't understand every other freaking word I use. Who the hell doesn't know what ambivalent means? Oh, he has not joined any message boards, not bought 10 Keys even though I specifically mentioned it and has complained endlessly that all the literature refers to the addict in the masculine and the spouse in the feminine because I think he believes that more women are into porn than are not into porn.

What can I do? What do you think I should do? What would you do if you were in my situation?

Starbright, you seem like a very intelligent, energetic powerful woman. I may very well be wrong, but, from my experience, he sounds like someone who no longer can access his own energy or gets a sense of power by using up someone else's (yours). Like a parasite who is genuinely sorry when its host has nothing left to give. I'll bet that if you denied him access to your energy source (your soul), because you are, after all, still using it, he would move on to another host. Surround yourself with people who don't leave you exhausted, see what happens.

It does feel like he's sucking all the energy out of me...I'm very tired.

To turn from this, where is he going to turn? What is a direction that he can turn to? What is a better standard than what he is now entertaining? How can he turn his life around in a positive direction?

Does he have goals, worthy pursuits, obects to attain for other than his perverted passions, lusts? Does he have order, system in his life? Do you want your children to be molded by his influence? Are you going to be molded by his influence? Is there a counter influence or are you satisfied giving up? He has a long established habit which is NOT NORMAL to turn is going to take a serious sacrifice and can often be very painful.

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking.

Starrbright, tonight I feel exactly what you described. He looks at me with those tear-filled green eyes and tells me how much he honors me, cherishes me and now that he's seen the error of his ways he's a changed man. And then I step outside to see him walking backwards down the sidewalk to stare at some pretty young thing in tight jeans. Its not so much the incident as it is his looking me straight in the eye and swearing that he doesn't do that sort of thing because of the love and respect he blah blah blah.
I don't know about you, Starrbright, but I'm too old for this kind of duplicity. I don't even have the energy anymore to look for his alternative sources of porn now that I'm on to his computer activities.
I probably say this every time I post- I wish I'd known what I was getting into...I'd have made different choices.

Best of luck ladies. Hope your men change and you don't have to go through this any longer. Keep posting.