Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

My boyfriend has a porn addiction. He watches it everyday, a large amount and all different kinds. I always knew he liked porn and watched it often but I realized he had a problem when we moved in together last April. I walked in on him many times when i would come home from work early and started to realize that it was a part of his ever day life. We do have sex, but not as much as a couple our age should, and when we do most of the time its me that initiates it and he tends to act as though hes doing me a favor (that makes me feel great).

The biggest problem in this is that he doesn't only watch porn. He likes to talk to woman online, he'll flirt with them, talk about sexual things and every time he asks them to send him naked pictures of themselves. Because of this, i always wonder if he has ever gone outside of our relationship for pleasure. I have asked him many times before and he clams he never has never would and never will, but after all the lies i get told with his addiction can i really believe him?

What id like to know, is it part of the addiction that leads him to talk to these woman? Am i stupid for never leaving him whenever i have found out? Should i trust him or is he more likely then not cheating on me?

Sweetie, you have to leave him. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Leave him to do what he will, and get yourself into therapy so you can figure out why you're attracted to this kind of man so you can make a better choice in the future.

Think about it...yes, it's an addiction, no different really from any of the other myriad of addictions...would you hesitate for one second to leave a heroin addict? An every night, falling down, blackout drunk? A methhead? No, you wouldn't. He sounds pretty far down the sex addiction spiral already and you insinuate that you guys are young. It only gets worse, they only go farther down the rabbit hole, until they reach their personal rock bottom and there is no telling how far down that is. And he will drag you down with him.

You are not a fool. You, for some reason, are attracted to men with addiction issues. But remember...you did not cause his addiction and you cannot fix his addiction. You can work on you.

After dealing with this issue for 14 years I have to say...given the choice, before marriage, before children? I would have walked away with no regrets.

We are only 25, but have been building a life together for the past 4 years and own a house together.

I understand, thats what i know i should do, but for some reason i can. It sounds stupid but we really do have a great relationship outside of the addition, and i know he loves me more then anything and doesnt like to our want to hurt me, he just doesnt know how to stop. And i dont know how to stop obssesing over what has happend in the past.

The thing is when it comes to other addiction i would still love and support them. His mother is an alcoholic and she has been trying to get help as long as i have known her, and no matter how many times she falls i love her so im always by her side helping her up when shes ready. So should i not stand by him if he is trying to get better? Do i walk away knowing that he wants to change? If you love someone dont you stand by them in good times and bad? Or once again does that make me foolish?

It doesn't make you foolish. I think it probably makes you co-dependent. But I guess if you go into with your eyes wide open...

But I'll stress, 14 years into it...I would leave in a flash if there weren't 3 children involved in the soap opera. Look at his mother...do you really want that? And what about when/if his addiction progresses to prostitutes? casual encounters from CL postings? glory holes at the local dirty bookstore? and it can get even worse...spycams in teenage daughters bedroom? peeping tom, indecent exposure arrest, child porn when the adult stuff just doesn't produce enough dopamine. What if he's the next perp on To Catch a Predator?

And he will not be capable of taking care of you emotionally or sexually. Your *normal* sex will not be exciting enough, he might want to bring in other people, start swinging, ask you to do things you may not be comfortable with. Are you strong enough to handle that? Not many women are. I am one of the few women I know in this situation who didn't, at some point, act like a porn star in an attempt to please her husband. I told my husband to *!@# off when he started asking for stuff I didn't want to do. But I know that I am stronger willed than probably 90% of people. Are you that strong? Can you stay healthy why he deals with his shit?

I'm just saying that you deserve better. Whether you believe that is up to you. Do me a favor? Make an appt to speak with a counselor...see if maybe you have too many codependent traits (we all have them) for a truly healthy relationship.

And whatever you do, please God do not marry him and don't get pregnant, ok? It really is ok for you to put yourself first...after all, at the end of the day, you are the only person guaranteed to be there.

I agree with Starrbright completely. Sounds like his addiction is his primary relationship and that that's the way he wants it. He's just not available and there's nothing you can do about it. Get out of there. Don't waste any more of your time and energy on something that will only guarantee years of misery and loneliness. I know that its hard to leave- its easier to be passive than it is to be dynamic, but the price you pay for being passive is HUGE.
The longer you wait the bigger your investment and the harder it will be to untangle yourself.
Talking to a counselor is an excellent idea...someone who can help you sort out your conflicting feelings so that you can make decisions that are right for you.

Cathy,

I am going to give some advice from the other perspective. I am like your boyfriend in that I too was addicted and watched porn often. There was times with some meaningless chat with other online women, or even couples for that matter. Your situation in not too different from my wife's and I. The whole not having as much sex as you should for a couple of your age, and how it felt more like he is doing you a favor than truly enjoying you is all too familiar. It does take a toll, and to be honest until I came to the realization that this was affecting our relationship, both sexually and emotionally, I didn't think too much of my addiction. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my wife. I Love her with all my heart and she is an amazing and beautiful woman. She never said anything about the addiction, new pushed any issues, it took myself to want to make that change. But it also took myself to recognize that I NEEDED to change. Maybe he is lacking the "view" to see that he needs to change. From a couple posts earlier it appears that you two have spoke about this and that he doesn't know how to stop. To be honest, until I found this website I didn't know either. He needs to understand that he, and himself alone (along with God) has the power and the strength to stop. Us here on the forum are the supporting cast and coaches. It is hard to forget the past, but I can assure you that he will need your support in his life to avoid this addiction. I hesitate to agree with the fellow ladies about leaving him, because of the previous statement, but like I said, he has to want himself to quit and get better and live a better more fullfilling life. And if he doesn't want to do that, then you might have to make a tough decision.