Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

I've been hooked on porn from my youth and the addiction to internet porn has varied in strength over time .

This past year has been worse than ever, especially the past few months.

I read yesterday about doing something positive and as I'm on vacation [at home] I decided to start a blog to publicly chronicle a journey that I truely and sincerely hope will end in my total abstinence.

I'm asking if anyone who would be willing to be a Covenent Eyes sponsor to me - who would know if I'd fallen off the wagon and publicly confirm the goals I've reached.

Would anyone be interested in lending this kind of mutual support?

Please contact me either here or on the blog - the ink is:
http://breakfreefrominternetporn.blogspot.com

Many thanks

Steve,

I just want to say that what you are doing is very brave and a great step. I think the "Covenant Eyes" is a great idea. I don't think I would be a very reliable person to do that, but I hope you find someone. You're doing the right thing and I hope God will bless your journey to healing from this addiction. Keep posting.

Mitch,

Many thanks for your reply and for your kind words of suppport.

I've been home on vacation these past few weeks and will have time on my hands for the next few weeks also so that time wil be a bit of a tester if I allow it.

The first two weeks had been very difficult to say the least and prompted me to post here, but this past week Ive kept myself occupied working on the blog and I'm just so grateful that I haven't had a single thought to tempt me off track during that time thank God.

Oddly enough, I've been stuck for topics to post there the past couple of days but my last few posts there have all been affirmations coming to me in the form of words from songs and works that have had a great effect on me in my life. So a lot of the time, I have my attention on these amazing songs playing in my head and they seem to be having a positive influence.

I honestly believe that when we genuinely start seeking help, that it comes in one form another that it's important to be receptive when it does arrive in its subtle form or it gets missed. I've had that demonstrated to me on several major occasions in my life including a time when a loved one was less than a couple of hours from death; I had a premonition that she was in danger and got to her in time to call paramedics who got her to hospital where she was on life support for three days before regaining consciousness.

Anyway I've got the blog short cut pinned to the top of the toolbar on my computer, so it's always just a click and I'll have no excuse.

I'm giving myself weekly goals and will post about my thoughts and feelings along the way.

I'll keep posting here too.

Best wishes,
Steve

Steve,

It sounds like you are having a good week. You're right about being receptive to subtle encouragements--sometimes we can miss some moments of grace if we aren't paying attention. I have been doing great in the past month and a half, but I'm starting to feel more stress, and that always seems to be one trigger for me. I need to keep focused--I think you're right about music, too. It can help sometimes. Have another good week. Hang in there.

Mitch

I rue the day I ever began to look at images of the opposite sex to gratify a desire within me that would turn into an obsessive compulsion.
I can’t turn the clock back to that day however much as I would dearly like to.
I can however, understand the psychology of the compulsion and with that understanding, do all I humanly can to end it.

I've made it to my second goal and have enjoyed 15 days of freedom. I'm pleased that there hasn't been one day when I've been tempted or when a stray thought came into my consciousness.

It's a real joy living life honestly and openly and I want to be in the same state of mind when I achieve my next goal which I've set for 14 days time.

Steve

Someone thought that porn was hounding them; for me it was the other way around.
The porn would always be there – out there - always available and I was visiting it via my computer keyboard.

I’ve only recently been thinking of the whole psychology of it and it’s been a bit of a revelation. I visualised myself sitting at my keyboard until the early hours of the morning and, when I took a few steps back, I was peering at my back through the bars at a small window. The room I was in was a prison cell – I realised I was in a psychological prison cell that I had created by my own actions on that keyboard.
I had imposed self-imprisonment upon myself yet, like everyone here, I knew it was a place where I didn't want to be. What is it that tells us that?
I didn't want to be in that place because I realised I was cheating - I was deceiving. I felt out of control some nights and I didn't feel good.

So why was I there and can I escape from there?
I was there because I wanted to 'feel good' for all kinds of reasons [especially when emotional and visual triggers were tripped] and I [or rather the self-centred, sub-conscious ego within me] said: 'remember the natural high of sex/porn - that made you feel good - have some of that'.

Consciously knowing that, I honestly believe that I can escape from this self imprisonment. How?
By being 100% committed to my release, knowing that that must be my sense of purpose every waking moment.

Firstly, by keeping this vision of imprisonment constantly in my mind, I’m trying to create a mental aversion to porn, a negative association – that it’s long term affects are corrosive and it will sap my life. I am also very watchful of all the emotional and visual, non porn triggers, as in advertising, newspaper and magazine images of that portray glamour.

Secondly, I realise that what I mean by feeling good can’t be obtained by a temporary fix. That what I’m really looking for is a safe harbour of a joy filled life. The negative goes out – the positive comes in and it comes in by refocusing.

So I’m rebuilding my relationship with my dear wife who doesn’t know a thing about this. She is now the focus of my attention as she was at the beginning. I feel good about myself when there is no deception because deception generates a negative energy within me whilst truthfulness and openness is positive and uplifting.

I’m refocusing the rest of my attention in my spare time on productive, creative things - such as reading, filling my head with music, walking in parks / in the country and appreciating the natural world around me, writing [just writing this is a therapy], learning a new skill [I’ve bought an electronic keyboard and I’m learning to play it], doing a course, doing maintenance that I’ve been putting off, riding a bike and leaving the car.

All the best.

Steve,

Sounds like you're taking some great steps to deal with this. I know what you mean about taking a step back and just looking at myself. Our wives deserve better than this. Let's keep it up.

Mitch

Mitch

I've been going over this for a long time these past few weeks. In pulling back and reflecting, I realised that I was the author of my life and I really did want to live it in a more joyful way, with a clear conscience, with dignity and with self respect. Why because they are the attributes of inner peace and you couldn't live a joy-filled life, the kind I want to share with my nearest and dearest, without that. I realised that those attributes of self were damaged or missing soley by my actions at that keyboard. That was quite a revelation.

After that, the first and most immediate action was to guard and protect that sense of inner peace which has returned. The other actions refocus my attention in a postive way.

How is it with you?

Steve

Steve, it seems like we have been thinking along similar lines this summer. I have been focusing on living with more dignity and more gratitude and joy. Today I was realizing that I look at people differently when I don't look at porn and masturbate for a long time. Instead of looking at them as sexual objects or just fantasizing about them, I see them as people who are similar to me and who deserve to be treated with respect and love, not as objects of lust. Last year was a really bad year for me, but this summer I think that God is slowly turning me around so that I will be a better man. Thanks for the encouragement.

Mitch

Mitch,

I think we can all take encouragement from each other. For example, I know how you are dedicated to fighting this war from the trouble and care you take to respond to the posts on different threads, including this one, as well as your openness and honesty in those posts. In that sense, the forum has become a real blessing to me

I believe there is a higher aspect within us all - whoever we are. I believe it is guiiding constantly when we go astray and it is for us to allow our consciousness to be guided.

I may not have the time to post in the week or so ahead as I have some work to catch up on, but I'll look in every day.

Steve

I love the vision of seeing oneself - late at night, hunched over the computer, in a little room, jacking off - it is so small, self-absorbed, crazy. And then to think that above you, above the building are all these vast stars, galaxies, balanced in eternity, waiting for us....

On my journey of escape from Internet porn and all that goes with it, I’ve just passed the 30 day milestone and have set 31st December as the next to be passed on the route away from it, with Easter after that.

Despite having had a lot time on my hands over August, I’ve thankfully had no desires or urges whatsoever to return to what I call ‘self imprisonment’ since my conscious decision a month ago. Just the opposite – I spent hours a day thinking of all the reasons I don’t want to go back there, trying to build up aversions and detestations in my subconscious of all that negativity. At the same time, I focused on aspirations, affirmations and all the positives that I get from leaving that stuff behind.

This problem has always been in the mind; that's where it started - that's where it ended.

Keep going with intention

Steve

Congratulations, Steve on 30 days! You are an inspiration to me and to all of us. And, I agree with you--the battle is mostly in the mind and the heart. And you seem to have a good grasp on both. Let's keep it up.

I thought I'd post an update of my progress since I made a committment last August. I've fallen off the wagon once in that time - that was 35 days ago so as of today the scorecard is 124 days /1 fall. I fell after a foolish disagreement with my wife despite being able to throw off some strong urges that had started to surface a few days earlier. That's not an excuse - I accept total responsibility for my actions on that occasion. I could have made that occasion an excuse for abandoning this committment; in one sense it would have been easy; an 'I've tried it but not for me' cop out. But the thought of a return to the self imposed imprisonment that I'd longed to escape from was more than enough to knock that thought on the head. I decided to press on and climb back aboard and I'm really glad I did as I feel stronger now than I've ever been, with even more determination because I know it's achievable.

I keep the record of progress on my Windows calendar where I've logged future weekly targets - eg 13 Dec is 133 days / 19 weeks and so on. The calendar is the first thing I see after starting up my computer and I feel encouraged every time I look at it as my computer's curser blinks on a day further away from the last weekly milestone and a day nearer next weeks and then I look ahead to a few weeks or a month ahead and where I'll be by then. It dosn't seem so far to me. Right now I'm aiming for 182 days (2nd Feb) and I feel confident that I'll make it. Then it's 270 by May, back to 365 for another circuit.

I don't post here as I did a few months ago as my work keeps me very busy and I found when I did post it was tending to become a bit habit forming as forums can be sometimes. I will post again at 180+. in the meantime, my best wishes to all who post here - keep strong and do all you can to follow the path towards the goal you've set for yourself.

Steve