Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

Okay, so if I always do what I've always done, then I'll always get what I've always got, right?

He really does seem (emphasis on seem) sincere about addressing his issues with porn. He uses it for stress relief with intense emotion being his biggest trigger, with boredom following closely. Boredom is pretty easy to fix though and he's done really well staying busy by actually starting to pull his weight around the house and with the kids. Who knew the man could cook?

Anyway...now I have to change some things too? Because I've grown so accustomed to our relationship being more align with a parent/child relationship than an equal partnership. And I have to admit I am still suspicious that it's all smoke and mirrors and will disappear at any moment. I have no faith left in him at all.

What do I do? Do I change anything? I am very good at living in the moment, being appreciative and providing positive reinforcement but then again I'm thinking of him in terms of a child who is displaying appropriate behavior. It's hard not to do, as I gauge him at approximately 14 years old emotionally.

Anyone know how to break out of that mold? I am not controlling, I don't micromanage, I'm not enmeshed with the kids. After 5 years of individual therapy I am confident that I'm not enabling him nor am I codependent. I have my own life entirely separate from him...my career is going extremely well and I'm financially capable. I do tend to be responsible for more things as far as the house and kids go but that's because that's where I live and they are also my kids...so I take care of things as I see fit, regardless of what he does. If that makes sense? For instance, I work full time and refuse to spend all my days off cleaning the house so I hired a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks and do the heavy or monotonous stuff, like dusting and scrubbing the floors and the bathrooms. He says that is a waste of money because we are more than capable of doing it ourselves. Still others say that's what the three kids are for! I told him I may be capable but I'm unwilling. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week to run, for me...I love getting that runners high and I feel so good afterward. It's my addiction. I do yoga, I spend time with friends and family, etc. In fact, we don't have much of a life together at all.

The only behavior I have that might be construed as codependent is the filter on the computer, which is there only for the kids and he knows the password so he can turn it off anytime he chooses. I told him when we got it...B2 had managed to find his way to a very soft-core gay porn site once and I was just a little upset, considering he was 7 at the time... that it was only for the kids and that I'm not his mother because he asked me not to tell him the password. He chose to put Covenant Eyes on the computer and has me set up as his accountability partner and I've asked him to find someone else. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend a single minute on that crap. I've got the reports coming every 2 weeks and I really only read the top part...looks good or not. If not, I'll glance at the high scoring sites and half the time they're mine!

I can't turn off the natural counselor part though. When he wants to talk I listen and I offer feedback but I'm really emotionally removed...as if he were a client instead of my husband.

Is there anything I should be doing? Will I find myself engaging again at some point? Will it happen naturally or do I have to work on it? And then again should I even bother? But then again I am *stuck* there for the next 2 years so I figure why not? What have I got to lose, really?

This is really bugging me. If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got. And around and around we go, where it stops nobody knows!

You have alot going on in your life and most of it sounds rewarding. In my opinion you're doing everything you can...focusing your energy on the more positive aspects of your life instead of obsessing on what he's doing. Have you considered leaving him? Is he taking up space that could be filled with someone who could actually be a partner to you? Sounds to me like you're doing pretty much all the right things, without acheiving the desired results. Like there's still something missing.

There is definitely something missing...an equal partner. I feel as though I'm the CEO and he's like an assistant, who does everything I tell him to do regarding the house and kids. I feel no connection to him whatsoever anymore.

However, he isn't just taking up space that someone else could fill. He is a father, a daddy, in every true sense of the word. So no, there isn't any other person who could fill that role for our three stooges.

I guess I'll just keep on keepin on, and I'll know when the time is right to get off this rollercoaster ride. He's going on something like 2 months clean now, but last week he was looking at google gadgets and kept going back (like 3 days in a row) to the swimsuit model gadgets. I find it so hard to believe the man will be 40 in less than a month...he really is stuck at 14 for some reason.

Hello there Starrbright- I can tottally believe you are going there. I've been going there for 20 long years in utter disbelief. The old 'it appears to be, yet it is not' game is wearing a little thin. My partner is in re-hab for alcohol and cocain addiction- but the underlying huge addiction is compulsive masturbation. Yes he admits it. Yes he says he wants to quit.- I call it sincere lying. These guys are really good at it.
Yup..did the covenant eyes program too- worked like a charm..but the cell phone can download porn to- what ever. If they want it they will find it- mirrors work too- they'll use their own image to act out with as well..that was a shocker for me.
After all this i can only say one has to make firm boundries and stick to them with love of course. I've set mine and been let down every time..I have set them and followed through- left for the last time for 5 years. Thats why i can believe you are going there even if you can't. I'm here again myself lolol..nasty little sincere liers..they are the best sincere liers i have ever met.
I am the second best asset I have- god is the first best assett. Ooops- i had a relapse in judgement- I believed the little brat again..no matter..I will rise above this even at my age. Life is way to short for this b.s.-

Sounds like my husband uses it for the same reason...when he gets mad, feeling down, or bored. He also admitted that just being alone and knowing he has the opportunity to do it with no one knowing triggers it. He also is sincere in wanting to quit. He's a wonderful father, very loving, and caring. This addiction kills him too. He's even stopped hiding it even though it embarrasses him and makes him feel horrible. It hasn't mattered though really since for a while now I have been able to tell when he's done it just by looking at him. It is nice to know that the addiction of hiding it and lying to me is starting to get better though. In the beginning I put eBlaster on his computer to monitor what he was doing and it helped him for a little while to stop. But we have recently moved in with his brothers and he'll just get on one of their computers. I don't want to put it on theirs because it would feel to wrong....that and I know they have the same problem and I wouldn't want to know when or what they were looking at. I've asked myself several times what I can do to help too. Some days I think there is nothing because you can help someone who chooses not to change for themselves. It hurts. It hurts so bad for me most days. Sometimes it is all I can think about...whether I'm trying to stay busy or not. So I find it very hard not to be angry (or just think about myself and what he should do) when I'm thinking about it. Other days I know there are things I can do to help. I worked mental health for about 5 years so I at least have a hand up in knowing the options that he may not be aware is out there. We are sitting down tonight and going over a plan of action (a treatment plan so to speak), so that he is able to have something concrete to go on (which is how his mind works). We don't really have the money for counseling but considering this is so important I was going to ask if we could borrow $200 from his mother so that we could do the Candeo program online. We did the free trial and my husband said it was something he would like to do. Also I went to the book store and found this book called Real Love in Marriage by Greg Baer, M.D. Sometimes those kind of books are really slow, don't really hit the point for me, etc. I end up reading a chapter then putting it down from the boredom of reading it. This one the more and more I read, it made sense. Chapter 3 was a little dry, but it was still worth it. The book helps you take your focus off of your spouse and what they are doing (because you can't control anyone, even your partner) and focus on the things you can do for yourself and how to be a more supportive loving spouse. It also has exercises at the end of each chapter which I thought would be corny but they have actually helped me retain what I have learned and use it. My husband saw such a change in me that he picked it up and started reading it yesterday on his own and doing the exercises. I can't believe it. We have still been having our little arguments and moments, but they have not been making an impact on the marriage and how we feel for each other. I know my husband is not done with this addiction, I know he'll relapse maybe even several times, but this book has really helped me cope with my pain and anger enough to put it aside long enough to be a support for him. It has really made and impact after the last time he relapsed, I told him I still loved him, there is no chance I'm leaving, and I still accept him the way he is. I have switched from the usual crying, getting angry, getting depressed, and all that making him feel more horrible and worthless (which creates the endless circle in this addiction) to showing love, acceptance, and support. That has meant the world to him, made him feel stronger, like he can change and not just be stuck with this addiction the rest of his life. I can't get over this or focus on the damage it has done to my body image, self confidence, security in my marriage, etc. until he is done looking at it. If something is still hurting you how can you get over it or passed it? So why spend all my time focusing on me right now when it is him who really needs the attention and support. Like I said this battle is far from over for us, but it is getting better. And that's something to hang on to....not just for him, me, and our marriage...but for our daughter who deserves a healthy family to grow up in. It would be hard for my husband to face her when she's an adult and explain to her why mommy and daddy divorced when she was a baby....but it would be just as hard for me to explain to her why I didn't stay to help daddy and to work things out as much as was humanly possible. The day he refuses to stop, enjoys it instead of feeling bad about it, and the day I can't take it anymore and feel like if I stay I will end up literally killing myself, will be the day I know it's over and I've gone far enough. But in love and marriage giving up any sooner than that means you probably have never loved them as much as you say you have. Ok sorry for the book. I'm done.

Sunflower,

First of all I want to say that your husband is very fortunate to have you as his wife, and I commend you for all the efforts you are putting towards helping him to change. I too struggle with this issue and I know how your husband feels. It is not wrong to feel the way you do--it is natural. It is one thing to forgive, but healing takes longer. I'm sure your husband knows and is ashamed about how deeply he has hurt you. It sounds like this may be a habit that he and some of his siblings have--it's not going to be an easy road to get rid of it. If he is anything like me, it hurts our pride and makes us feel even worse to see our spouses in pain. As difficult as it may be, you need to show him how much you respect him and love him, despite his sin. We are all sinners in need of God's grace and healing. I think the counseling is a good idea--he needs someone to be accountable to and I don't think it can be only you (that doesn't mean he can't tell you about his struggles, but I think he needs a counselor or another man to help hold him accountable who will not react in pain or betrayal). Anyways, I just want to encourage you for the sake of your marriage and your daughter, to keep fighting through all the crap that goes along with this sin. It sounds like you're doing well. Don't give up.

Mitch