Sexual, Masturbation and Porn Addiction Help Forum

hello all, I have finialy done it, found a support group on line, the wife is gone for 15 days, so I am going to get as much of my self together as I can. the new begining! I have just spent 2 hours reading all the forums ( 2 hours less porn!) thats a start right there. I am just going to tell my story as to clear my mind for the first time .

As a boy (now 44) I have always had a strong sexual desire or urge, could not wait to get laid and go to parties to get laid by some chick(s), sex is great!!! the whole thing, I mean 24/7 on the mind, in the blood, I could j off 10 times a day untill raw, and still do it throught the pain, I thought what a stud I am. Sex was plenty full in my youth (80's) porn I had to go out to see it, but as a young man, to get laid and have porn Great!!!! the more the merrier.

Several relation shipswith girls and , with the secrete porn, years and years, collcetion of mags, vids, etc. I had a friends dad , and he had a collection of photos in the bathroom in a folder, hardcore, beast stuff, S&M, wierd and kinky. but sex! porn! It was everywhere, playboy in boarding school, buddied talking about whos doing who, tv, movies , the mind just goes on over load. It was really hard to get awya from.

At most of the time no one ever knew what was going on , any chance I got I was off to porn arcades, in the morning hours, I would look in the yellow pages for locations, I would spend my last buck and spend litterly hours in their.

Well time has gone on, and its been apart of my life for as long as I can rember. It like breathing, but easier now with the PC, I just go on line, wow.

current time

I have been married to a beautiful and loving and very trusting wife, for 16 years, she is no nonsense, the truth is the truth and a white lie is a lie, no if's and 's or but's. 5 year into the marrage I just got a PC and the first thing I did was stay up late till 4 am day after day for a month and look at porn, I printed out several photos and put the under the kwey board and forgot about them, the next day at work , I remembered them and my wife found them, not good! I did it again, and our sex became better , then it died off. We have alwayed had a good sex life and still do. It has taken me years and many, conversations and openness to get some of her back. I had stopped for a year or so , flat cold, untill I found that my 18 year old son was going on line to see that stuff, I stopped that for him, but it started my self again. And I have been going since.

My wife and I seem to get closer, bonding, but I still do it, the sex drive is there or not depending on when I was on line last looking. I Have tried to stop so many times, but alwaysed got called back buy the little voice in my head, PORN, PORN.If I told my wife now what has been going on , she would leave and it would be over.

But tonight, suddenly I decited to go on line and find the reverse, how to stop the porn addition, and found that I was not alone, by far. So I have a goal 15 days to start a new, right now, NEW!

To all, I am going to put a filter on the PC's tomorrow, I am going to change the loction of the PC'S so its not so private, I am going to scan the PC for sex files and delete them, and make passwords, thatI can't rember.

But mostly I really have to think to myself, and ask what this would do to my wife, kids , if this were to be found out. it would be devistating. is it worth looking at this crap for and hour , only to ruin your life and others?
I have to do this, it has to be done and now, not a minute further. If I get the urge, I need to replace or re tink my thoughts and patterens. Instead of she is gone , I am looking at porn, I need to go , I need to go on this site, I need to run, I need to get invloved. The one thing is my son goes to class mom, wed, fri and sat, these are my times for porn, I nedd to go with her, be involved and stop giving the opertunity to my routeen . I nedd to change the pattern and routeen, and mindset to what is important. Focus on my realation ship, where sex is healthy, and deserving. I need to find other way to escape, work out , run, watch comady vids.

I will make this change now, It will not be easy, but If I change everything now, I think it will be alot easier that a suttle change. and its aready happened, by what I wrote and talking to all of you. I am stronger today, right now

Welcome to the forum. I'm 38 and I'm married too (I also remember the 80s very well!). I have also asked the question of whether it is worth risking marriage, family, job, reputation. It is definitely not worth it. We are all trying to change these addictions that have such a hold on our hearts and minds. It sounds like you are making some good choices about stopping the access to pornography. But, even before I had access to it, I realize I was treating other things that may not be pornographic in a way that led to masturbation. It's the ingrained thinking that's tough to change. It's radical surgery, man. But, that's what we need. This 15 days will be tough, but you can do it. The first leg of the journey to healing and change.

thanks,today went great and got all the changes nessary, done. The subjesct has been on my mind all day, but in a good way. I have been looking at all the behavior that I have done and what seems to be the stem. I will get pretty blunt, but , the process of porn for me is to find something to give the ultimate climax, a real intense climax, (like a drug) or escape to my self that can not be shared, like a fix. its the drug. I know it will be hard, but each time I think of porn, I have trained myself to think what could happen if it all came out (not pretty) and the shame , and guilt that I feel after the viewing. I have been so desentatized to physical feel and stimulation from th e real act of sex, that to go on the wagon, would bring some of the intense feelings back and over time to the fullest. The porn also for me has a mental side reaction, that if I can watch it , then I can have it performed, ( head for instants, I want whats in the picture or vid done to me, as ronchy as it may be) but I could never expect my wife to do that act in that way, so sexual I have a let down. Also the mind plays tricks, If she is gone to a friends for a certain time the mind wonders in some sexual act that could be happening els where. Its all sex, sex and the porn influnced mind, rather than the natural imagination of pur stimulation of your partner.

The porn has set a pattern for me that no mater what she does, go to the store, the porn image is what can be done in that store???? and how many times, and what could go on. Its just a mind bender of reality.

These days to me are going to be tough, like a withdraw, emosionally and physically, a re grouping of reality and changing patterens, (like right now, writting this rather than porn) and that feels great and that I have control. I do have control, and that does have a big impact, once you get out from the grip. and look around. I see that I could build my relation ship better with my wife all the way around, I feel better about myself . just facing and writting this,I have never done this and its....like a new start...free to let it out, and that no one is yelling back, but that others have the same problem and can relate. Today was great, I did feel free, and in charge, and that it is possible to break the pattern, When the time comes and the urges come back in the time of need, the process is harder , and there is no shelter to do what I do, the patteren is harder to enforce. Thats a great start for me. Its a lot more work to achieve the guilt and shame level that I have know for so long. I have control! And I will be better for that. Just the fact that I can say or not make the excuse that I have been looking at porn again, "will I be caught this time" when does it end" "this is out of control". I don't have that any more, for as long as I stay off and keep in control, I dont have to worrie, I just have to work on me! thanks

One victorious day. It sound like you are working very hard. I know it's tough to change your focus after so many years. Perhaps one of the worst things about porn and masturbation is that they lead us to thinking in such narcissistic self-pleasing patterns that are so comfortable and so easy to develop. It is good that you are writing to this forum instead of looking at porn or masturbating. I often write when I feel tempted. But, in addition to fighting the urges every day, as you did today, I also have to find outlets to focus on--like exercise, my work, my relationships, my faith. It sounds like you have a lot more in your life than pornography and masturbation. In addition to your loving wife, you also have a great motivation in living differently for your son, who probably really admires you but apparently has also struggled (as teenagers do) with these issues. The idea of repentance (in a religious sense, but it also applies to any deep change) is not only to stop the act, but to be turned around in the right direction and to start acting in a healthy and good way. You have started and I commend you for courage. The weekend is coming up, and I know for many of us the weekends (or the let downs on Mondays, sometimes) are the toughest. Keep strong. Your wife and your family are worth foregoing the momentary climax that we all know doesn't truly satisfy.

Its been a great day, very little urge for porn, but it does croos the mind, and will be calling out to me. Its like withdraws. but on the most very good day!!

doing great. the urge is dimissining and I feel great, Just breaking the old patterns have done wonders. today I have thought about it less and less. when I do think of it I do think of the repercussions and how it makes me feel. the shame, alos I have added the thought of , how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot, I am keeping my self busy and that also leads to me thinking that maybe, bordom may also play into this.. As I am involved in activities, and the thought comes across my mind, its not as powerful as it was before. I guess in a weird way its like weeining your self off of the craving, and if you can do that, then its not as powerful. I feel great, no shame and probely for the first time really getting in touch with myself and confronting it head on! yea!

Good for you a "stronger me"
This forum is great support me a well.

Hi all still going strong and getting better, the urge is getting less and the perspective is getting stronger. I feel really good and that I am doing positive actions. The changing of the daily pattern has opened me up to new positive routeens and new positive patterns, which was filled with porn. I am also finding the my natural desires are coming back, not so influnced by porn for a turn on, or just overly stimulated by all the porn. With the lack of that stimuation and the constant need to keep seeking more and more. I now feel a ease, and confident with the changes that are happing. I know its a short time, but I think that just comming clean and releasing for the first time, reading others thoughts and situations ha sgiven what I never had before, a true perspective of how hurtful and shameful my behavior, addiction and habbits has become over time. The thought are still there but not as strong, by far not as strong. the first days went better than expected. thanks

I am having a bad night.
Ok so Im really horny.
I just want to act out and masturbate or have sex.

If I new some guy right now I prob would.
Maybe I should pray.

Wasn't long ago I would just say I don't care and meet some older married guy.

I find sometimes reading other's post makes me want to act out and just say screw it I need to masturbate.

So far I am trying to hold on.
I need an SA meeting, need to meet in person with others I think.

~Brittnay

You know a stronger me when I read your posts I can almost feel your struggle. I feel like you are someone carrying a very heavy weight on his back and waiting and wanting his muscles to grow under this baggage. I get a strong feeling that this is difficult for you. You know we are all different in our journey and unfortunately character is not transferrable so that I can not do for you what you have to do for yourself you cannot reap the benefits of my success wholly and neither can I yours. In other words, if I could rid you of the discomfort I would but that has to be your choice over time. Don't worry it will happen. This is a good road to travel. God bless and if you want I will pray that God help turn your mind around and lighten the load. But, be aware that sexual problems are going to be with you the rest of your life especially since you are married but with the grace of God hopefully you and I will reach a high point of enlightenment and peace.

congradulations a stronger me. I have many of the same struggles and temptations as you do, but I wish I had the will and means to take all the necessary steps that you did. I think that's great. I know for myself, I've tried so many things - sending my wife to work with the internet cable, deleting my browser (since I used a separate browser to watch online porn so my wife wouldn't notice the deleted history)...but now, I use my computer everyday at home. But I think that I need to do some thinking and figure out how I can get out of this steaming pot in my home. My home is the worst place for me to be...I need to get out more so I'm not tempted as easily - reading what you've done is such an encouragement! I feel more motivated myself now to take all the necessary steps - or at least to think about them! thanks - and good luck. I hope and pray that God will be with you.
Personally, I find 15 days of no porn a stretch for me...I can go months (and I have) without masturbating, but I don't remember ever not watching porn on a weekly basis for about the past 5 years. I've tried going the no porn route, but I keep falling over and over again. Like you, I certainly need to take more drastic steps to ged rid of this addiction...and I think I will.
thanks!

Hi all thanks for the suport. let me start off, this is the most difficult switch I have ever tried to do.period! my entire life has been influnced by some sort of porn, from dads playboy collection to friend in school selling mags hardcore to living close to vid arcades, I just was around it all the time. Heavy load you bet, its enourmous, when your entire life has a mixed message, yea. unlike some of you ,I am not religous, one's belief is their own and what works for your life , more power to you! I am self employed, self motivated, and self addicted. Like many many 10,s of thousand times that I have told myself I would stop viewing porn, "this is the last time" "never again" "etc, only to click on 6 more times that night alone, or go drive to an arcade, it has just taken over all thoughts. I now work at home or am a self unemployed , due to the economey, which makes it more depressing and yet more fulfilling to watch porn and seems to get some temporary satisfaction for myself. I was tested today, got into a veral agument with the wife (porn unrelated) and felt rejected and brushed off, this wouuld be my porn release, my feel good for the time on and feel like shit after it was done. This time I caught myself right off the bat, and instead or porn , I thought about the feeling that I was having, and flashing back, I realise that every neg situation , I went to porn, once on I was on!

So for me now is to look into the underlinning problems and how I have dealt with them (porn). I know this is a life long adiction. I have come to terms with that, but to have it control me , rather then control it or work on controlling it. The simple thought of what would happen if the wife or famialy left and it was all over, marrage ruined, really gets to me. The famialy is the biggest part for me , like god would be for others. It seens to be working for me.

Its been another great day, the test came and I delth with it and came out great, The longer I have gone with out the less of a hold I feel to need it. Like I said I have changed, all passwords, computor arrangement, desk top images, easy acess, etc, just to completely change the habit comfort zone.

I work at home, 2 computors one in the house and the other in the workshop, witha trails that if some one comes, I can here them 100 feet away, all basis covered, I changed that. All the free porn time and schedules, I have either , changed, (example shower when wife goes shoping, or work out, bought some dvd's, or simply read the forums on this site. To know that I am not alone is a comfort, yet reinforces in my mind what I am doing is right.

Masterbation subject. for me masterbation is normal, If it not influnced or acted with porn. As a boy, young man, wow , being turned on by some girl or a date that went so well, and thinking of that person in intimate ways, that was the time if there was any time for masterbation, But for boardom, porn, to feel better, for me with porn it just desenstized my feelings (physical and emotional) toward sex. If the sex was not link the porn, I had problems. But to tink or fantise a reality based intamate act with my wife in loving ways, well, that does the trick. problems of performing are less an issue, guild and shame are also less the issue.

To watch porn , go to bed make advances on the wife and have it not turn out like the porn.....shameful, guilt and the mental state, well lets face it this is not the guy she married, influnced by porn. No she married a kind thoughtful, loving , atracted warm person with thoughs of us as a couple, together, intiment or not, but together as a couple.

The progress for me has been great, I would say this . If it was not for this site and the interaction of all here. I would still be on the porn, with out question and the progress and strenght with in, again would not happen with out opening my eyes to the forum and other people with simular adictions. that for me HAS made the difference from this time to other failed past atempts. This is well worth the withdraw form this drug, and to see what really is important is what matters. To see that one day has turned to 2,3,4,5,6 etc, It can be done, now to work on my issues on how I got here after a life long adiction. thanks

getting better but still tough, thought about porn today intensly, and stopped my self from taking action, are true test today (boardom) Still on track though, and I know I will have good days, great days and bad days

Strong
My friend, what an amazing story and turn around. I truly feel inspired. As the past few days have been my ugly days. My wife is out of town visiting family and I have a few days to really situate my life. Boredom is the key to disaster. I always use something I have learned in church, cease to be idle, cease to be unclean. It is something anyone can use in their life. The thoughts will always be there as long as we continue to overcome it, but as you have noticed, it will get less. Hope to be able to come back here to be inspired.

still going strong , getting my self more involved into hobbies, and running, I am over weight by 45 lbs and have been walktroting, now its jogging, I mad a comminment that when I first listed on this site, that I would change things drastically, so every time I think of the porn, I do something pushups, situps, run. eat some almonds, and I feel better physically and mentally, I look at the time I started, one day at a time, leads to two day to three. thanks for all the support, still a very hard journey and a battle to keep going , but when the wheels start to spin, just like the addiction, it starts with 5 min, then to 30 mim the a day, then everyday, I thank you all for the support,, me